Written on July 24, 2014
When I see myself, I don't see beauty. I see suffrage and a girl who had a hard life as a child and still has a rough life. A girl who was abused all her life. The compliments are just there to make you feel better. I have never been called "beautiful" by anyone. I don't even think I know what beauty is. Why try and and take my life and put it into someone else's hands when I don't even have it in my own hands. I try so hard so hard to be "pretty" and "flawless" and "perfect". What is perfection anymore? I have changed so much much for the people around me. I can't change back. I've messed up everything just because of that one comment from someone who thought the definition of beauty was just her. That one girl, and all the others who thought that no one else was as "good" or as "beautifully talented" as them, changed my life forever. But not in a good way either. My dad thinks I'm the definition of a slut, my sister thinks I'm the definition of a living hell. My "family" doesn't love because a family loves each other and makes sure that you aren't going into depression. Well, I have and my "family" didn't even ask my how my day was and if I respond to them n anyway, I respond wit a fake smile. They are clueless and I don't know what beauty really is besides a girl who is looked at as "popular", that has so much make up on, it could last like 2 years. Try-hard is the meaning of my life. I break and come crawling back to my friends. My life is the definition of pity; depression; and slut classified, but more so beauty-less.
<3 Always, The writer.
~I hope you guys enjoyed this piece that I wrote when I didn't have an amazing guy in my life and when I didn't know what happiness was. I was covered in bruises constantly and always faking a smile. To be honest, I still do sometimes, but only when I am trying to hide something ( a majority of the time). I hope you all know that you are beautiful. Don't question whether you are beautiful or not, because the answer is.... YOU ARE!!! I made the horrible choice of believing the stupid rumors and insults all my life to where, every picture I take, I find something that I hate about the picture and I can't even post it on social media websites or even show anyone. I crop it, I edit it, I do everything that I can because I hate anything and everything about myself. For example, I just went to Homecoming on 10/18/14 and I was looking back at the pictures and I hated my face in every single one. I hated my body in every single picture. Some people may not know this, although I have talked about it before, I was anorexic for 2 years about..... 4 years ago. If you saw me now, you would think I was the chubbiest kid ever. I starve myself til this day. Although, I pick at my food, I eat around those who I love because I don't want them to think that something is wrong. I'm sorry to those who are reading this and don't know. I'm slipping into anorexia again for the 3rd time over the past year and I can't get myself to just eat. I understand it is a problem, but I do what I do because of my past and because I give myself no choice. Please, to everyone who does self-harm and starves themselves and thinks that it isn't worth living another day, that's where you are wrong. I have almost made the mistake of leaving this beloved Earth about 20 times; yes, I've been close to it, but I'm still here and I couldn't be happier with this guy by my side. I haven't done anything to self-harm or anything for at least 2 weeks. I'm glad I haven't too. It's not worth losing people over and losing some people's respect towards you. Take it form someone who doesn't really have any friends besides like 10, but to be honest, it's not a lot. I get death threats almost 5 times a month and they aren't always from people at school. Just remember this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. <3 Love always, -the writer- Goodnight everyone!! <3
