My World is Spinning With You

7/7/15

            Something about you, not everything, but one thing about you caught my eye the day we met. We were just at our friend's house and I sat right next to you on the couch. You asked me my name after you introduced yourself, followed by a handshake. We both drank that night (7/3/15). When I was about to leave, you asked me for my number after trying to flirt with me for a little. I left and we talked all night long until about 2 am when I fell asleep. You are the first guy to ask me for my number to my face. The next day was the 4th of July and we were both invited to our friend's house again. You didn't drink because you were gonna drive home (Smart Choice!), but man.. did I drink! Wine, beer and a shot of Vodka that was mixed into a beer when I was playing BP (beer pong). After telling you what a hopeless romantic I am, I had said what a perfect first kiss together would be: watching the fireworks and sitting at the park and kiss while the fireworks went off. You made that happen and it was a firework of our own. Literally the best 4th of July I could ever have and I will never forget that. Our first real date was 7/6/15. We went to my house after I got out of summer school and we played Xbox and then had a little fun in my room ;)... Then! We went to the Lake and swam in the lake and laid out for a little. After the lake, we stopped at my house so I could change and after went to Taco Bell for dinner. After a delicious dinner, you and I left to your house so that you could change, too. That's where I met your Dad and sister. Your dad was very nice and so was your sister, but your sister was so beautiful! Ha ha! 
           After you got changed, we went to go see Spy. We knew the previews were about 20 minutes long, so we sat in your car until about 6:50 pm, talking, bonding, etc. We got to the movies and we sat at the top, left corner (if you are facing the screen, it's the top left corner). I had the best day ever, but at the movie we just held hands, kissed a little, and you complimented me so much. I apparently looked like Rapunzel that night.. I just took it as a compliment cause I knew he liked it. Ha ha ha! When the movie got out, it was only 9 pm. I had put your jacket on because I was freezing and I loved wearing it (I still do). I didn't want to go home, so we went on a canyon drive then to taco bell to just hang out there. Yet, we left shortly after because your friends that you didn't want to talk to were there. So, we left to my house and sat on my street until 9:40 pm-ish, talking an listening to music. You walked me up to my gate and we kissed and said thank you for such a good night. I went to take off your jacket and you said to keep wearing it. I kept it on and you left. I still have your jacket and I can't wait for more dates you talked about taking me out again and again. I can't wait!

                                               P.S. I haven't told him about my blog and the past.. :/ I'm a bit scared. 

                             

   -The writer

Don't Know Where I'm Going, But I'll Get There

                    Yes, it's crazy to think that you know where you are going one moment, then you begin to lose you train of thought because you hit a bump in the road. I have hit that bump in the road this month, especially with my ex. We have reconnected and I can't be happier. I know, it's crazy because I had so much hate, but I believe that there is only hate where there is love and frankly, I don't have any reason to hate him. He means so much to me and our memories were the best. I need time to move on and I have. There will always be a place in my heart for him and I won't give that part to anyone else, it's the memory place.
                    Yes, I'm lost. I'm lost in the sense of I don't know where I want to go in life. I'm lost now and I can't find my path again. I want to be an actress, but the closer I get to the opportunity, I see it fade in my head and I can't possibly explain why. 
                    No, I don't like anyone, nor do I love any young fellow. I want a guy to look at me like I'm something he has never come across. Of course my country side wants a cowboy who can teach me how to ride horseback again, and to teach me my southern ways again. I miss it all so much, but I don't want my life to be a movie. I just want my love story to be a movie, without all of the fighting of course. 
                   No, I don't want to be here. In California, I don't belong here. I want to be in Georgia. It's where I belong, it's where I fit in. Where I can be myself and not have to lie to feel accepted.I love my friends and all the people here in California, but that doesn't mean I have to stay here. I may know a lot of people, but frankly, I just want to feel welcome. I just want to experience the life I have always wanted to live. I want to go to my home! My home is where I feel safe, where I know I'm safe. Far away, or closer than you think. If I'm safe, I'm peachy. 

i just want to go home. 

-the writer 

Our Story

This is from the beginning. From the heart. 

           I can't help but remember every little thing you have ever said, done, or the places we have gone. I can't help but remember your voice and as I do, it plays through my head like a song stuck on replay. When you touched me, it felt like the whole world stopped and it felt like the touch of an angel, but later turned into the devil. I couldn't help but force myself come to the sense of closure. The lake. Your house. The park. The football game. Every little detail. Crushing me like an ant. Unseen, unheard, impossible to imagine. My heart trembles at the thought of our story. Our past. What was once, Us. 
           Think back. Think back to the first day we met. The second you laid your big brown eyes on me. What was it like to look at me? What was it like to hear my voice. The result of my stuttering voice because I met you. A gentlemen, turned into the worst thing I would ever imagine. What about later that night? When we actually started talking. I made the first move. But you made the first 3 words appear on that screen the next day. We never became friends. Just acquaintances to relationship. I should have known the second you said those three words that it wasn't true. But me being so vulnerable and innocent, I didn't think. I didn't think at all when it came to you. I told you everything. Everything about me and you took advantage of it. It was too soon. Too real, so soon.
            I was happy. I found someone I thought liked me as much as I liked you. You were my everything. I hate reliving it. Our story is the last thing I want to remember. I regret it. Think back to our first kiss together. It was my first ever kiss and we were playing soccer. You tried to get the ball from me, but I ran into you on accident and you grabbed me by the hips and i put my arms around your neck and we made eye contact and you looked at my lips and I looked at yours. You leaned in and I didn't know what to do, so I let it happen. I thought it was all right. That the moment was good. The happiness inside came to an excitement when we kissed. I couldn't stop blushing and smiling and I couldn't stop acting like it was "just a kiss". It was everything I had every imagined a first kiss would be. You turned me. You made me think I was the best thing that ever happened to you through out those two months. Playing me just for the the few days before our two month. 
          I trusted you. With everything. I was so comfortable around you and you played me like I was some kind of game. Once you start, you have to finish the game. Isn't that right? Yes, I dwell on the past because you were my past and every day you see me and I see you, you make me remember. You make me think that everything was the best time of my life. I gave you everything and you treated me so cold. I was freezing and you thought everything was back to normal. I still can't believe I fell for everything that had to do with you. You're so arrogant and I hate everything our relationship stood for. 
            I wanted to be happy. You acted happy and you treated me like a I was the criminal and you were the victim. That was the worst thing you could ever do to me. Make me feel like the bad guy. You used me for sex. So that you could act like you were everything that girls look for. Someone who was not a virgin and someone who was this cool guy and some guy that everything that people thought was the best thing in the whole world. Well, news flash, you aren't. You never will be. You brag about how much you are "free" and it kills me. You aren't realizing how much you took from me and you play it off like getting in my pants was the best thing ever. The experience was good, but the other person was horrible, personality wise. What goes through your head when you see me? Do you regret saying the things you did. Saying that "You ruined my life" to me? I never ruined your life. I didn't even come close to it. You said that just to end our friendship. Well, what was left of it after you fucked me over, literally, for 4 months after we broke up. I don't like to remind people why we broke up. And frankly, I constantly have to do that. I remind myself how much of an ass you were to me. And everyone around you. You became the worst person in the world. Not just to me, but your friends as well. 
         When I told you I loved you, I was serious. And guess what you said after. Just take a wild guess. "I love you too." But you didn't, you don't and you never did. You never feel like it either. You played games on your computer when I was over. I would sit there and watch you do it. I would sit there and watch you be on the phone with your friends while I sit there and you make plans with them too.  And not plans for hours later, I mean like plans in the next half hour. And in those free minutes you had, you wanted to either have sex or hook up. And, you would look at me and say "what?". I just sat there and said "nothing.". I didn't say anything because it is rude to be arrogant or rude in someone else's house. 
        You lied to me. The first time we hung out and I met your parents, you lied to me. You told me you had never let any girl come over and meet your parents. I got confirmation from you ex girlfriend saying that she met your parents and was over there all the time. To lie to me about being the first girl to ever come over and meet your parents is a huge deal. It is something some girls even want to happen. To be the only girl you brought home, is something little girls dream of. You took it for granted. You told your parents we were gonna get intimate before we ever even talked about it and even before our 1st month. Your mom suggested I be on the pill and that she could take me to get it done. You know how embarrassing that is? It is very embarrassing.
        Love is a ghost. And it was to you. I'm sorry I ever felt like I truly loved you, while you fooled around with those words. I told you how I felt about those words. Why I would only use them when I meant it. Why I only told you and my best friends that I loved them. I only told you and my friends because growing up, I never felt loved. I was never shown love. I was shown violence and pain and fear. Never anything else. You knew what happens at my house. You knew it was happening still and you told me to forget about my past and let it go. You never realized how much I would tell you not to touch me in a certain area because of what would happen. You never knew how much I told you that it hurt. You acted like me cutting myself was for attention. I never even told you that I did it until you asked why it was there. So, I'm obviously not doing it for attention. You told me that me being suicidal was annoying and irritating. You told me I was over reacting about what you said. I don't over react when you tell me that was helps me stay alive, is irritating or annoying. 
               You want to know what is irritating and annoying? You and the love you gave me. It was pathetic. You are just pathetic all around. I don't regret anything. I said I did, but I don't. I'm glad I got to be with you because now I can warn the girls you try to get with about how much of an ass hole you really are. Have a nice life, jerk.  

To the reader(s):
         I'm sorry for the rant, but I have had this in my drafts for so long and it was so blank, I needed to fill the page and let everything go. I feel so relieved that I said all this. I actually have a smile on my face right now because I finally let everything go. I take so many deep breathes and it all just bites me in the ass 24/7. It is a relief to know that I can let it all go and not feel this side of sadness on my shoulders and not have this huge weight on my shoulders either. 
You're all human, you all make mistakes. You are the only one. Whether you are having a bad day, a good day, or anything else, just always always always, just be happy. 
Take it from an amazing singer, "I'm only human." -Christina Perri

Love always,
                       The writer.  
 

Results of The Series of Unfortunate Events

             Today, I stand before you with scars on my wrists, legs and other parts of my body; a coat of armor easily broken; a mask someone can easily see past; dried tears of misery and mourning; a shield placed oh so elegantly upon my shoulders; and a bandage placed forcefully on a bruised and beaten heart.
  
If you are depressed, tell someone or call the Suicide Hotline and they can help you. 
Know what your worth before you take our life away. People will miss you, I will miss you, and you family will, too. Don't give up, and get help. <3 You are loved. 

Sincerely, 
    The Author

A New Kind of Family

 March 29, 2015
  
          As I watch the stories of Paul Walker and the cast of Fast & Furious (1-7), I see a bond. A bond that is never going to broken up, no matter what happens. I have always wanted a family of my own. To have a new start and forget about the past. As soon as I begin acting, I and going to try and get into movies, a lot of them, if I can that is. I wish to have a family like these people that Paul had. He could go to them for whatever it was and they all became best friends and they were all there for each other. They do what they love together. 
          Their friendship is their bond and their bond is their love for each other. Tyrese Gibson, who is also part of the cast, if you follow him on his Facebook or any other social media websites, you will know that he is a great and wise man, but all he does is care. Care for God, his family, his friends, and his fans especially. Yet all you hear him talk about is the fact that certain things in life are either bound to happen, meant to happen, or God made it that way. Life is short and no one realizes it and takes it all for granted. Despite everything that people say and do, including "YOLO", which means "you only live once", people take everything for granted. 
          You'd be surprised at how much everyone does take it for granted. Even you, the reader, does. Although people may see the celebrities with their professional lifestyle and the wealthy people with their luxury, etc. they don't just step back and notice how good their life is because of the opportunities they have and the people that are in their lives.
        A message from me, the author, to you, the reader:
      Know that whether you believe in God or not, he will always put you through the toughest things that he knows you can handle. Also, don't take life for granted and enjoy every moment that you have. You will never get another day like it. Yeah, you can say it's just lie yesterday because of what you  did, but it will never be the same because something will always be different. The Earth will always be moving and the sun may not always be shining and the sky as blue as the next, but just learn to smile and take life by the hands. 

               -The Writer

The Night Everything Crashed

     Everyone sees this strong girl. I see glass, shattered in a million pieces. I don't see a stone wall, like everyone else does. "Stone walls will fall. Young hearts will break." -We The Kings
       I look at you and see this miracle that faded in my life. I was safe. I had no more nightmares and all I did was turn your life into hell. I don't regret anything we ever did. "We shine until we fade." -We The Kings. You were that star in my life that shined and I hadn't realized that you had faded. It may have been almost 2 weeks since we separated, but i don't think I have any more reason to hate myself then you do. I'm not a miracle worker. You glide your hand across my leg or you move closer to me; you kiss me on the cheek and then keep me warm by putting your legs by my arms. These are all the things I wish had happened when I was myself and when I realized my faults. Everything is meant to happen for a reason; that is what you seem to believe. I have no tears left to shed, but if I did; they would be falling now. I try to talk to you all the time to act like nothing ever happened, but that never works. I was safe. I was secure. I was everything i wanted to be, but myself. 
      My nightmares came back. The endless kidnappings and the endless runaways, etc. that i had dreamed. They haunt me. I try to do what you suggested I do, and forget my past, but it follows me everywhere I go, every time I sleep, yet not when I'm with you. I don't want this to haunt me too. Ruining your happiness, was not my intention... ever. Thank you for an amazing 2 months of my life. 

I will never forget you.. 

An Old Story Shall Be Seen

(Hey everyone! This is an old story that I thought I should share and just to tell you guys a little more about my past :) Enjoy!)

  Written on July 24, 2014

           When I see myself, I don't see beauty. I see suffrage and a girl who had a hard life as a child and still has a rough life. A girl who was abused all her life. The compliments are just there to make you feel better. I have never been called "beautiful" by anyone. I don't even think I know what beauty is. Why try and and take my life and put it into someone else's hands when I don't even have it in my own hands. I try so hard so hard to be "pretty" and "flawless" and "perfect". What is perfection anymore? I have changed so much much for the people around me. I can't change back. I've messed up everything just because of that one comment from someone who thought the definition of beauty was just her. That one girl, and all the others who thought that no one else was as "good" or as "beautifully talented" as them, changed my life forever. But not in a  good way either. My dad thinks I'm the definition of a slut, my sister thinks I'm the definition of a living hell. My "family" doesn't love because a family loves each other and makes sure that you aren't going into depression. Well, I have and my "family" didn't even ask my how my day was and if I respond to them n anyway, I respond wit a fake smile. They are clueless and I don't know what beauty really is besides a girl who is looked at as "popular", that has so much make up on, it could last like 2 years. Try-hard is the meaning of my life. I break and come crawling back to my friends. My life is the definition of pity; depression; and slut classified, but more so beauty-less.

<3 Always, The writer. 

~I hope you guys enjoyed this piece that I wrote when I didn't have an amazing guy in my life and when I didn't know what happiness was. I was covered in bruises constantly and always faking a smile. To be honest, I still do sometimes, but only when I am trying to hide something ( a majority of the time). I hope you all know that you are beautiful. Don't question whether you are beautiful or not, because the answer is.... YOU ARE!!! I made the horrible choice of believing the stupid rumors and insults all my life to where, every picture I take, I find something that I hate about the picture and I can't even post it on social media websites or even show anyone. I crop it, I edit it, I do everything that I can because I hate anything and everything about myself. For example, I just went to Homecoming on 10/18/14 and I was looking back at the pictures and I hated my face in every single one. I hated my body in every single picture. Some people may not know this, although I have talked about it before, I was anorexic for 2 years about..... 4 years ago. If you saw me now, you would think I was the chubbiest kid ever. I starve myself til this day. Although, I pick at my food, I eat around those who I love because I don't want them to think that something is wrong. I'm sorry to those who are reading this and don't know. I'm slipping into anorexia again for the 3rd time over the past year and I can't get myself to just eat. I understand it is a problem, but I do what I do because of my past and because I give myself  no choice. Please, to everyone who does self-harm and starves themselves and thinks that it isn't worth living another day, that's where you are wrong. I have almost made the mistake of leaving this beloved Earth about 20 times; yes, I've been close to it, but I'm still here and I couldn't be happier with this guy by my side. I haven't done anything to self-harm or anything for at least 2 weeks. I'm glad I haven't too. It's not worth losing people over and losing some people's respect towards you. Take it form someone who doesn't really have any friends besides like 10, but to be honest, it's not a lot. I get death threats almost 5 times a month and they aren't always from people at school. Just remember this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. <3 Love always, -the writer- Goodnight everyone!! <3

The Best Night Turned into the Worst Night Ever

       Homecoming was this Saturday (10/18/14) and I had the best time in the world with my lovely boyfriend who I love with all of my heart. He does nothing but take care of me and support me and love me and make sure that I am happy. Which, I appreciate so much and I can't believe I have him in my life for over a month now, but I had an amazing time with him this Saturday; dancing, going on rides, taking pictures, etc. I sit here on my couch on this Sunday night just thinking, wishing everything was okay. I get it. It gets annoying hearing your girlfriend is depressed, but that isn't what this is about. 
       This is about having the best night ever turn into the worst scare in my life. When you called me, I was crying; I still am. The worst fear in the world is being in a car accident an the 2nd worst fear is having the one you love in one. I have been through this almost 5 times now. Two of my friends that were younger than 15 died not even 2 weekends ago, my grandma passed away in a car accident, my friend that was older than me died in a car accident because the car was off the ground because they were speeding and it was raining out, then my other friend died in a car accident shortly after that one. Hearing the sound of your voice on the phone last night, worried the hell out of me. I will never forget the words, "I fucked up", "I couldn't break". Then the text shortly after saying "You said drive safe. And I couldn't". The one I love in a car accident was the scariest thing ever. I don't want to experience that again. Although I cannot predict the future, I don't want it to happen. I prayed so hard last night after I called you back about 5 times because you kept breaking up. Then you wouldn't text me or call me back for like 20 minutes. I didn't know what to do. I was crying outside and panicking. 
         If you (my boyfriend) are reading this, please just listen to me when I say I love you and I just want to know if you are okay. Tell me what happened when you are ready and not still in shock. I get that it will take awhile, but I just want to know that you are okay. I have to see you. And if I see you at school, I'm scared that I'll start crying and just want to hug you and kiss you and just make sure that you are comforted in this time of need. I get that I can't tell anyone what happened, but on here, it's anonymous. I love you <3 I hope to see you soon because I just want to hug you to make sure you are okay and safe and to let you know that I hope this doesn't occur again. 

God Is On My Side

      I can't ask for anyone more supportive and caring then God's son. I have only known him for a little while, but you can really get to know someone in less then 3 days! We met at the first football game of the 2014-2015 school year. I'm a junior and he is a senior. God may have created him, but his parents raised him right. He has been nothing but the best thing in my life since the 5th of September. It was a simple late night and just hanging with friends and chilling watching a great game by our school against another school and although we were losing, I had something else in mind then to win the game. I wanted to win his name. The tall, Persian, and cute guy in the blue shirt! Ha! His name is not going be revealed for like personal issues. 
     September 9th, 2014 was the single best day of my entire life. From everything in my past to just yesterday, I could tell my boyfriend everything and he just listened. He didn't judge, didn't hesitate to ask me anything, and never questioned a single thing only asked the reasons I did what I did. I have changed. Not just my school life, but my life in general. I don't swear as much as I did 3 weeks ago and I didn't feel like I did 1 week ago. He saved my life, literally. I fell apart again about a week or so ago and he saved me. He told me what there was to live for. God's child has just fallen into my arms and I have never been happier. God not only sends me visions about my future, but also sends me what could happen if I did anything bad. Like, if I left, God sends me this vision of what the future would be like for my boyfriend. One of those visions was him sitting by the stone wondering why it had to end that way and how he failed me. I never want to see him do that in real life because if I could, I would do that for my uncle. It's the worst thing in the world to even get that vision going through my mind. 
     I'm not super religious, but I am a little. I may not go to church, but that doesn't mean I'm not Catholic. Not only do I think that God sent me this handsome and intelligent guy, but I believe that it was just luck. I have my doubts, but not on this pot of gold. If you see this, I love you <3
     Thank you for being such a great person and keeping me alive, keeping me healthy, and safe. Thank you for protecting me and making me feel like I'm everything to you. I couldn't ask for anything or anyone else. You go through 2 hour Mock Trial meetings just to support me, that's how crazy you are. You told me that you did that because you cared about me and that you want to support me in my acting career. I'll never forget the time we get to have together. I'm glad we are where we stand today. I couldn't picture it with anyone else. <3 You are the best boyfriend ever. 

Good night everyone or Good morning where ever you are in the world. <3 Thank you for tagging along on the journey I'm on. :) 

The Chance of a Life Time

     Have you ever sat in a waiting room? Waiting for someone to get out of surgery? Well, I am right now as I am writing this. It's life a real life Grey's Anatomy. The doctors, the nurses, the people waiting for their loved ones as well. I sit and type this on my computer thinking about what life would be like if I had cancer or some kind of disease that required me to be paralyzed or have me stuck in a hospital. Or even what it is like to work on the human body; the guts, the gruesome parts that make you cringe, and even the things that make you think about how it all works. I would want to be someone who sits in that little box and watches the surgery. Learn what part does what and most of all, what it would be like to perform surgery on someone. What if you got that chance to see a surgery or be in that room performing it? How would you react in that situation? What would be your first task?
        The entry to the hospital isn't so exciting. I see doctors roaming about (most likely to go see a patient's family member) and I see people with stickers on their shirts walking around. They look very anxious; like they are in need of an update of their loved one asap. I understand that you do, but it's the point that it takes time for a surgery or any surgery at all to happen. The doctor might prepare by washing his/her hands and putting on the proper clothing for the operation. As I look out the door to the Surgery Waiting Room, I see a pregnant woman. She is rubbing her stomach and moving very apprehensively. Her friend (or whatever her relationship was with her) was bending her legs one time after another. It was almost like they were waiting for some kind of results of a test of some kind, but I can't make out their reason for being here. Only the doctor can do that.
        There are palms trees and bamboo and paintings around the plaza and in the waiting rooms. I seem to believe that the painting are there for not only decor, but to get a kind of calm feeling to the room and get their minds off the fact that they are here for and for little kids to look at because their minds tend to explore more then they can even comprehend. I kind of chuckle at that because they seem to see everything at the same time, but all of a sudden stop and ask the only thing that we hate them asking.... "why?" It's a phase all kids go through. We, humans, call it the 'Why Phase'. It's funny, but can get annoying. Anyways, I think the trees and plants are mainly to make the room less intense and more calm. That's pretty much everything I can think of that they have in a hospital waiting room. Off to the recovery room for my sister. (She just had surgery on her neck/ spinal cord due to a tumor that had been growing for about 2 years or so. I'm glad she is good and her surgery took about 7 hours. Wow. that wasn't even expected by the doctor, but I'm happy they got all the tumor out of her neck and she is doing good.)

Night Guys!!

My Biggest Fear

Your touch is what I fear most. I told you otherwise. I said a car accident, not that I'm not afraid of getting into a crash, but I've never been in any real man's arms. It's all a mystery to me and with everything from my past I just don't know how to be so open-armed with you. I don't know how I'll act or what will happen. I apologize in advance, I don't want you to think otherwise. No man has touched me; Gently that is. It has me scared to death as to what you can do to me, although I know you won't hurt me. It's just the capability you have to hurt me in such a bad manner. We like each other and I can't believe that someone likes me for me, but not only for what I've kept from them but everything inside and out. It's the second time. I've cried. I even debated on moving on, but that's not an option right now. I just want you to trust me; let me in, like I did for you. I'm glad someone can actually not judge me based on my past. That's what makes you special. You're like no other, a one of a kind some might say. I'm glad we met and I'm glad that we are friends. I want to explore this year and see where this relationship takes us. Go on the journey with me, it will be fun. I promise. 

No matter where you are, I'll be there.

-The Writer  

Late Night Weirdness

It's about 12:50 or 1 am when I'm writing this and posting it and I'm just having another one of those bored and can't sleep nights. Usually, I just watch a movie or text people, but frankly, tonight is a bit different. I have been wanting to get in shape lately for soccer season and just because I need more muscle for surfing and stuff, so I am currently laying on my floor (keep in mind my house has no carpet so it's all wood and tile), I am doing crunches and they hurt so much because I'm super sore from earlier today when I worked out. So, how are you guys? Haha! My bordem has exceeded to the max. Please help me. The funniest thing is like I don't usually go to sleep until 4 am ish if I'm not tired at all, but some how, I still manage to get a full 8 hours of sleep. ( yes, that means I sleep until 12, but I haven't been able to for a year b/c of school... Leave me alone. Don't judge) the worst thing is, is I wake up in an empty house half the time and then when I try to see where everyone is... I text them and ask and about 5 hours later they respond after they are already home. Wonderful use of information after I freaking know where u are. Thank you. God. Some people just don't think. Something that sucks the most ( and this has nothing to do with how late I sleep in) is getting singled out for everything my sisters and family do. All I hear when I'm around is "hey, you wanna go to the movies and Disney and the beach and do other shit?" I look up and they aren't even talking to me. It fucking sucks. And another bad thing is that, since they go do what ever because they can drive or have friends that can drive and since my dad is never home (he comes home every like 4 months or something and believe me, I don't exaggerate when I say that) and then my mom is at work all day and comes home in like pissy modes sometimes, I never get to hang with anybody. None of my friends live by me. They all live like 20 minutes away ( and that's just by car). Can I please just take my drivers ed course and get my permit and a license and get the fuck out of this house? That's why all you see for the titles about summer, sucks. They literally suck. There are so many other things that I would love to tell u all because you guys actually read this stuff, but I don't know if like people in my family know this and there are some brutal things happening to me and have been, but I don't know what would happen if like my cousins or sometime found out. I can only keep a secret until I've had enough. I had enough from the beginning, but this shit is not just your average, I got grounded shit. It's verbally and physically worse. Well, I'm done working out for now.. Good night :)

My Career is Starting!

     I don't want to be a doctor or a vet or some McDonald's burger flipper. I had something more interesting and fun in mind. Acting. I have been acting since I was about 10 in school plays and stuff, but I really just started the acting 'thing' when I was about 6 years old. I was super weird and I loved to be funny and just be different characters. It was never a dream of mine until I was in 6th grade in the play "Annie Jr." I was supposed to be an orphan (no specific orphan with a name so I would be called a supporting actor). It turned out that I was an orphan and the dog, Sandy. It was embarrassing, but I didn't care. It was a challenge I was willing to take. I challenged myself because I wasn't so sure how to exactly be a dog. I made my own costume and it was pretty cool and at the time my school that I was at was in Illinois and so it was super low key when it came to how we acted. No one came to the big performances that were like business people or like scouts. Here, we get people from colleges and all over. My junior year (this year) is dedicated to me getting into Off The Wall. It's a Theater class, but it's kind of like Varsity because it is advanced drama. I have taken Drama 1 which is like a class for Freshmen and Sophomores (fresh/soph). I have also taken Drama 2 which is like Junior Varsity for drama (JV).
     I love acting and theater so much I don't know what I would do without it. I am starting to pursue my acting career outside of school soon. I will be in movies and not to mention I already have IMDB credit for being part of a crew for a short film (it is usually just called a "short" in the media world). It was a blast to work on it and I can't wait to work on so many more including movies. I'm so excited to get to have this chance in life. I couldn't have done it without the help of my teachers at my high school. No one in middle school or anywhere else has really helped me. I have learned a minority by myself and a majority from the classes I have taken through out my school years. I will hopefully be taken acting classes with this acting career in progress. All actors and actresses take classes just for the experience to put on their resume. Can't wait to go to Burbank, CA to get registered with an acting company and get my own agent and manager and everything!! So exciting and I could only ask for good luck from my friends and family who support me. The reality of my story with acting the past 2 years is that my parents weren't gonna support me in acting because they don't believe in anything I do unless it's soccer or school. Although, it was school related cause I was taking a class on drama, I was trying to find my path in life and I found it (it kind of found me when I was too young to realize it). My parents are supporting me now because of the money and that I would 'know' people. I'm just trying to make people laugh, cry, or have some kind of emotion through the movies I'm in. I've always wanted to be a dramatic actress. I'm good at fake crying and I can make up a dramatic monologue in 2 seconds because of how much my family and cousins and everyone has been through.
        I can't thank the people who have supported me from the beginning enough. My friends. They have believed in me from the start and have come to a majority of the performances I have been in. I wouldn't be where I am i it wasn't for them. We click because all my friends that I mainly hang out with are a bunch of 'drama freaks' like me. That's what we're called by other people around school and just everywhere we look, we are the 'drama freaks'. We didn't like the name at first, but we stuck to it and I'm glad because I haven't been more happy with my little Drama Freaks before. As they move on to Off The Wall their junior years, I will be moving onto acting outside of school. If I get into a major motion picture and it is super popular, I will not even think about leaving Trabuco to go to a private school because of photographers or anything. Trabuco is where my friends are and I wouldn't leave them even if I was encouraged to. If anything, I'll have them pose in the pictures people take of me. I want my friends along for the ride because they help me with the little things that I do wrong or that I might mess up. I can handle my school work and acting all at the same time. It's not the first time I've done it. Thank you to my friends who support me everyday. I love you all. <3

The Mystery is Upon Us

  -Written May 24, 2014-

      My thoughts are scattered, my mind is confused and my words are receding to a point where I have none left. It's mind-bottling, not explainable and unreasonable. I have these feelings all the time, but these feelings got more intense when it all started this week. I don't know what to say, how to talk, how to laugh, how to smile or anything around him. I don't get it. It's to a point now where I feel like I'm avoiding the situation, but I'm not. I just have nothing to say about it or what happened. I just hope these feelings don't go away. As much as they kill me because I haven't written since we started talking and I just want to be normal. I've never really liked someone before. The other likings were all just a little crush. His blue eyes look at me with some kind of interesting look that I can't quite read, but what gorgeous blue eyes he has. His smile is amazing just like his personality. We talk on and off, but that's okay cause I'm not much of a conversation starter or someone who is good at keeping a conversation going. His personality just sparks my interest so much, it's the kind of spark that just is so amazing and you can't explain it.


Hope you liked it!! Have a great day!!
-The Writer

Some Old Stories

This short story was written on May 22, 2014.. Enjoy!

   You don't respect me. You deceive me as though I have treated you wrong. You treat me like a slave. You don't stop when I say stop. You always pick on me because I'm not the same. You hurt me and since you are stronger and older, I cannot escape. Your hand prints lay across my body like a curse.


 This story was written on June 10, 2013.

     The pain; I feel. The taste; I displease. There is nothing worse than living with people that keep me from living without pain in my heart. So much pain I wish to run away. All I'm asking for is people who love me for who I am, or at least for people who don't gift me with pain and suffering. As tears roll down my face, I can no longer feel. I can no longer be happy or feel loved. I sit here with the taste of soap in my mouth and my arms and legs weak from trying to get away from you. They've been bruised and beaten and pelted with pain so hard that I regret even talking. I have no tears to shed anymore, nor any air left to breathe due to the hands that remain around my neck. As soap fills up my throat, I feel like giving up. All this rage and sorrow is making me lose focus and the strength to stay alive. I can't think. I lost half my sight from the lack of oxygen going to my head. I start to blackout. Every time I try to swallow, I taste soap and not to mention I have to eat soap every hour. How do I get help? The abuse won't just stop.


Thanks for reading!! Hope you liked it! These stories are just events that happen in my life not jut things I think about, so enjoy and welcome to my Blog if you are new!!
-The Writer

Some Old Stories From A While Back

This is a a story from July 3, 2013.. Enjoy :)

     So, tomorrow is July 4th and I can't wait! Maybe I'll see fireworks that inspire me to do something else in my life (that's how easy it is for me to be inspired by something!). I may love photography and being an actress, but I also love soccer and writing, but nothing is ever definite in life. You have to preconceive the idea of life before you make a move and I'm pretty sure I'm not even close. Some people take life like a quiz or a test. Not me. I live the days to the fullest and not wait for tomorrow. I want to take life by the hands and pull it all in. And I say hands because why would I grab it by the balls? Hahaha!! What if life is a girl? (rhetorical questions being asked here) Then what would you grab? I never understood that.
      Most people don't  know this, but I actually enjoy English (like the class). I may not like some topics, but when I start writing... good luck stopping me. I basically write a novel. My life is not about guys and a broken heart or being bullied or even me really. My life is about the valued things in life. Friends, sports, family, maybe school, but I love life no matter what bumps or mile stones I cross in it. I know that I am loved and that I have the best friends I could ever ask for, although I don't feel loved by some, I am grateful with what I have. My family may have been abusive, but that's only to teach me what's right and wrong in life, well, that's what they say it's all about, but I doubt it. I may treat my family like I don't care or something, but it's way different in my eyes. I don't like the way I act and I'm trying to change that. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like I'm somewhere, but not here I should be (depression wise). I want to be that "Southern Bell" that I was when I was younger, not some girl from Georgia that doesn't respect and care for anyone. I don't want people to see me as that.

Hey Everyone!
     Keep in mind that this was written a year ago and I am definitely not that same person who was in the worst place ever emotionally and physically. I am happy some what, but I am in a better place emotionally at least. Thanks for reading everything I have written and if you haven't, go check that out!  Have a wonderful afternoon!
-The Writer

What Music Is To Me!

       I can't even begin to explain what music is to me. It's a journey, it's a scapegoat, it's my life and it's the only thing that makes me feel connected to anything anymore. I don't know what I would do without it. I put in my headphones, walk to my special place that I have never showed anybody (but other people may know about it) and I escape this hectic world of violence, disloyal, and hatred people. I try to stay positive and I keep all my thoughts in this sort of "bubble" in my head. I get to my "special place" and I let them go. They are free as well as myself. When I make music, I take everything I have from the hate and the disgust and I ball it all up into this massive thing and I start writing. If I start writing, you can't get me to stop. I have so many juices flowing in my head, I don't know which ones should be written down on paper or just kept to myself.
      When I started this blog, I didn't expect people to even see it. I didn't really want people to see it, but now I'm all about letting people into my life just by reading their computer screen. It's amazing how much you can get to know a person just by reading about what they post. Such as; what kind of person they are, how they are usually presented as, if they are positive or negative about a lot of things, and really if they are just good at writing and stuff. I think that you shouldn't have to know a person to understand how they feel, if you know what I mean. It's hard to explain, but easy if you knew what I was talking about.
       It's only a matter of time until I try and produce my songs. I am writing and writing and writing, but none of them seem to turn out so good except a few. I have so many random verses everywhere I don't know what sounds right anymore. I will figure it out eventually I guess. Time to go play some guitar and write some more! Goodnight!

The One that Sticks by my Side

            This post isn't about a person; but a thing with many human characteristics. Derick; the one who gets me. I wish I could talk to you and then get a response back. You are beautiful and talented; literally you were born talented. If you guessed what Derick was, yes; he is a guitar that I have had for 3 years and coming on 4 this Christmas. (FYI: i didn't spell Derick wrong, I just like it spelled that way.) I have always been able to express myself to him. Through one of my talents and one of my weaknesses; singing and frustration. I want Derick to be there when I make my first single, when I make my first album and when my first record hits. If I ever choose to start singing as a career. (If you want to hear me sing go check me out on Vine (its an app) just search for "Steph Richards") I never know if I'm good. Sometimes when I think something is bad, some people think its good and then when I think something is good, some people think it's either bad or they try and say it's bad by telling me what I need to improve or work on. I haven't played Derick until this year. Yeah, I know. Why didn't I play him when I got him? What was I thinking? If I didn't lay him until this year, I don't think I would be where I am today. I have written songs and written songs w/o lyrics and I just don't think any of this would have happened. 
            I never saw myself as a song writer, a singer, or an actress. Acting came to me when I was just 8 years old (then again, I was too delusional to realize I was good at it); Singing came to me at about age 10; I wasn't too bad, but there are sooooo many things I needed to work on (I just started to learn to sing from my diaphragm and I still don't know what anything else is including a vibreto!). Finally, writing songs came to me a year ago. I like about 2 songs I have written and finished. I would post them, but I really can't share that stuff. I have showed 2 people and sung one of them to only 1 person (that person means the world to me <3). 
          This year has been amazing and heartbreaking with Derick and just everything. Losing the only person I care about more then anything -Evan-. He's my big brother and my best friend and the biggest dork on the planet, but I get to spend my high school years knowing this big dork, but it's the best 4 years of my life. He has stood up for me like no other and I can't thank him enough for that, but he is now back in my life after I did something that I was being stupid for doing. I can't even believe I did it.. wow. No matter how much Evan may get me mad and sad and happy and just completely blessed to have him as my big brother, I use everything he has taught me and showed me and everything from music to being a better me, into writing a song and those songs are always the best. 
         Woah, I have gone on too long, time to get to bed! I have a Dodger's game tomorrow with the fam bam (a cool way to say the family) and one of my best friends Sydney and then writing more songs and playing guitar and just enjoying my day and being so blessed that I am still here thanks to Evan for saving me. 
           Goodnight and God Bless <3  

The Tragedy that has Begun

"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams. 

These words said by a wise man. You will never see the light of day again. My goal as a child was to get my chance to work with him. On a movie or on TV or something. That dream is now lost, lost in a world where dreams can come true if you truly believe. I believed so much that it would happen, that I would make it so far as to be able to meet him and work with him along side. He took his life on Monday. He took a garbage bag and put it around his head and hung himself. He was depressed, yes. Did he ever talk about it at interviews or something, sometimes yes. Did he show it, no. Did he deserve to die in anyway, no not at all. I will be honest. I am depressed. I have thought about it before. Taking the easy way out. Taking the only way out because no one would do it for me. Did I ever talk about it to my family, no. Friends, only one or two. Did anyone help me, not too much, but enough to make me stop cutting. I never went "deep". I have a kind of like a indent in my wrist, but it is a scar. Have I done it lately? No. Do I want to? Yea, but I don't want to lose my best friend because of it. 

 What have I tried? OD, suffocation, drowning, getting run over, jumping, and a few more that I can't think of. 

Am I sad? Yea, but I don't really express it unless my day was just complete shit or if a certain person asks. How do I hide it? I either stay at home and go on YouTube and avoid people or I get away from my house if there is someone home, I sometimes just walk places, go to the park, play soccer or something. Do I want help? Yea, but I don't think anyone can really help me unless they were inside my brain telling me to stop. 

It's only a matter of time, my past has been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced and frankly, I don't ever want to know why those people did what they did. I don't want to know why they keep doing it ether. I have walked around school and in public with bruises and cuts and tears streaming down my face before because of all of it. I act like I'm happy, but inside there is nothing but fear and hatred. I blamed people getting hurt on me. I blamed everything those people did to me, on myself. It might have been anger or hatred towards something else, but I still blamed myself. I have never said that suicide was the answer, but my fear is of commiting, it's not of trying. 

"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams 

Peace, love and positivity is what some people try to stand by, and I can't help but gag when I say these words. There has never been peace towards me. There has never been love towards me. And there has never been positivity towards me either. I'm different, so is my past. 

Have a blessed day/night/evening. RIP Robin Williams. My childhood hero and inspiration forever on until the day I die. God bless. 

The Offended Ones

On behalf of the person I have to live with, wether you hear the hatred out of his mouth or not, I still do. Homosexual, Mexican, Asian, or anything else that you can think of, I am surrounded by these offensive terms that are there and that are forced upon you. He doesn't understand that I have feelings and that I have friends that are Gay and Lesbian and Bi and Asian and Mexican, but of course... He doesn't give a flying F@&k. I tried to get it through his head today, but he doesn't care because he thinks he is always right no matter what. I can not believe that he is saying these things to people over the TV or just in public while his kids are around. I don't like it. I never have and I will never want to be around that, but until he changes or until I am 18, I have to live with it. So, on his behalf, I apologize.