The Night Everything Crashed

     Everyone sees this strong girl. I see glass, shattered in a million pieces. I don't see a stone wall, like everyone else does. "Stone walls will fall. Young hearts will break." -We The Kings
       I look at you and see this miracle that faded in my life. I was safe. I had no more nightmares and all I did was turn your life into hell. I don't regret anything we ever did. "We shine until we fade." -We The Kings. You were that star in my life that shined and I hadn't realized that you had faded. It may have been almost 2 weeks since we separated, but i don't think I have any more reason to hate myself then you do. I'm not a miracle worker. You glide your hand across my leg or you move closer to me; you kiss me on the cheek and then keep me warm by putting your legs by my arms. These are all the things I wish had happened when I was myself and when I realized my faults. Everything is meant to happen for a reason; that is what you seem to believe. I have no tears left to shed, but if I did; they would be falling now. I try to talk to you all the time to act like nothing ever happened, but that never works. I was safe. I was secure. I was everything i wanted to be, but myself. 
      My nightmares came back. The endless kidnappings and the endless runaways, etc. that i had dreamed. They haunt me. I try to do what you suggested I do, and forget my past, but it follows me everywhere I go, every time I sleep, yet not when I'm with you. I don't want this to haunt me too. Ruining your happiness, was not my intention... ever. Thank you for an amazing 2 months of my life. 

I will never forget you.. 

An Old Story Shall Be Seen

(Hey everyone! This is an old story that I thought I should share and just to tell you guys a little more about my past :) Enjoy!)

  Written on July 24, 2014

           When I see myself, I don't see beauty. I see suffrage and a girl who had a hard life as a child and still has a rough life. A girl who was abused all her life. The compliments are just there to make you feel better. I have never been called "beautiful" by anyone. I don't even think I know what beauty is. Why try and and take my life and put it into someone else's hands when I don't even have it in my own hands. I try so hard so hard to be "pretty" and "flawless" and "perfect". What is perfection anymore? I have changed so much much for the people around me. I can't change back. I've messed up everything just because of that one comment from someone who thought the definition of beauty was just her. That one girl, and all the others who thought that no one else was as "good" or as "beautifully talented" as them, changed my life forever. But not in a  good way either. My dad thinks I'm the definition of a slut, my sister thinks I'm the definition of a living hell. My "family" doesn't love because a family loves each other and makes sure that you aren't going into depression. Well, I have and my "family" didn't even ask my how my day was and if I respond to them n anyway, I respond wit a fake smile. They are clueless and I don't know what beauty really is besides a girl who is looked at as "popular", that has so much make up on, it could last like 2 years. Try-hard is the meaning of my life. I break and come crawling back to my friends. My life is the definition of pity; depression; and slut classified, but more so beauty-less.

<3 Always, The writer. 

~I hope you guys enjoyed this piece that I wrote when I didn't have an amazing guy in my life and when I didn't know what happiness was. I was covered in bruises constantly and always faking a smile. To be honest, I still do sometimes, but only when I am trying to hide something ( a majority of the time). I hope you all know that you are beautiful. Don't question whether you are beautiful or not, because the answer is.... YOU ARE!!! I made the horrible choice of believing the stupid rumors and insults all my life to where, every picture I take, I find something that I hate about the picture and I can't even post it on social media websites or even show anyone. I crop it, I edit it, I do everything that I can because I hate anything and everything about myself. For example, I just went to Homecoming on 10/18/14 and I was looking back at the pictures and I hated my face in every single one. I hated my body in every single picture. Some people may not know this, although I have talked about it before, I was anorexic for 2 years about..... 4 years ago. If you saw me now, you would think I was the chubbiest kid ever. I starve myself til this day. Although, I pick at my food, I eat around those who I love because I don't want them to think that something is wrong. I'm sorry to those who are reading this and don't know. I'm slipping into anorexia again for the 3rd time over the past year and I can't get myself to just eat. I understand it is a problem, but I do what I do because of my past and because I give myself  no choice. Please, to everyone who does self-harm and starves themselves and thinks that it isn't worth living another day, that's where you are wrong. I have almost made the mistake of leaving this beloved Earth about 20 times; yes, I've been close to it, but I'm still here and I couldn't be happier with this guy by my side. I haven't done anything to self-harm or anything for at least 2 weeks. I'm glad I haven't too. It's not worth losing people over and losing some people's respect towards you. Take it form someone who doesn't really have any friends besides like 10, but to be honest, it's not a lot. I get death threats almost 5 times a month and they aren't always from people at school. Just remember this: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. <3 Love always, -the writer- Goodnight everyone!! <3

The Best Night Turned into the Worst Night Ever

       Homecoming was this Saturday (10/18/14) and I had the best time in the world with my lovely boyfriend who I love with all of my heart. He does nothing but take care of me and support me and love me and make sure that I am happy. Which, I appreciate so much and I can't believe I have him in my life for over a month now, but I had an amazing time with him this Saturday; dancing, going on rides, taking pictures, etc. I sit here on my couch on this Sunday night just thinking, wishing everything was okay. I get it. It gets annoying hearing your girlfriend is depressed, but that isn't what this is about. 
       This is about having the best night ever turn into the worst scare in my life. When you called me, I was crying; I still am. The worst fear in the world is being in a car accident an the 2nd worst fear is having the one you love in one. I have been through this almost 5 times now. Two of my friends that were younger than 15 died not even 2 weekends ago, my grandma passed away in a car accident, my friend that was older than me died in a car accident because the car was off the ground because they were speeding and it was raining out, then my other friend died in a car accident shortly after that one. Hearing the sound of your voice on the phone last night, worried the hell out of me. I will never forget the words, "I fucked up", "I couldn't break". Then the text shortly after saying "You said drive safe. And I couldn't". The one I love in a car accident was the scariest thing ever. I don't want to experience that again. Although I cannot predict the future, I don't want it to happen. I prayed so hard last night after I called you back about 5 times because you kept breaking up. Then you wouldn't text me or call me back for like 20 minutes. I didn't know what to do. I was crying outside and panicking. 
         If you (my boyfriend) are reading this, please just listen to me when I say I love you and I just want to know if you are okay. Tell me what happened when you are ready and not still in shock. I get that it will take awhile, but I just want to know that you are okay. I have to see you. And if I see you at school, I'm scared that I'll start crying and just want to hug you and kiss you and just make sure that you are comforted in this time of need. I get that I can't tell anyone what happened, but on here, it's anonymous. I love you <3 I hope to see you soon because I just want to hug you to make sure you are okay and safe and to let you know that I hope this doesn't occur again. 

God Is On My Side

      I can't ask for anyone more supportive and caring then God's son. I have only known him for a little while, but you can really get to know someone in less then 3 days! We met at the first football game of the 2014-2015 school year. I'm a junior and he is a senior. God may have created him, but his parents raised him right. He has been nothing but the best thing in my life since the 5th of September. It was a simple late night and just hanging with friends and chilling watching a great game by our school against another school and although we were losing, I had something else in mind then to win the game. I wanted to win his name. The tall, Persian, and cute guy in the blue shirt! Ha! His name is not going be revealed for like personal issues. 
     September 9th, 2014 was the single best day of my entire life. From everything in my past to just yesterday, I could tell my boyfriend everything and he just listened. He didn't judge, didn't hesitate to ask me anything, and never questioned a single thing only asked the reasons I did what I did. I have changed. Not just my school life, but my life in general. I don't swear as much as I did 3 weeks ago and I didn't feel like I did 1 week ago. He saved my life, literally. I fell apart again about a week or so ago and he saved me. He told me what there was to live for. God's child has just fallen into my arms and I have never been happier. God not only sends me visions about my future, but also sends me what could happen if I did anything bad. Like, if I left, God sends me this vision of what the future would be like for my boyfriend. One of those visions was him sitting by the stone wondering why it had to end that way and how he failed me. I never want to see him do that in real life because if I could, I would do that for my uncle. It's the worst thing in the world to even get that vision going through my mind. 
     I'm not super religious, but I am a little. I may not go to church, but that doesn't mean I'm not Catholic. Not only do I think that God sent me this handsome and intelligent guy, but I believe that it was just luck. I have my doubts, but not on this pot of gold. If you see this, I love you <3
     Thank you for being such a great person and keeping me alive, keeping me healthy, and safe. Thank you for protecting me and making me feel like I'm everything to you. I couldn't ask for anything or anyone else. You go through 2 hour Mock Trial meetings just to support me, that's how crazy you are. You told me that you did that because you cared about me and that you want to support me in my acting career. I'll never forget the time we get to have together. I'm glad we are where we stand today. I couldn't picture it with anyone else. <3 You are the best boyfriend ever. 

Good night everyone or Good morning where ever you are in the world. <3 Thank you for tagging along on the journey I'm on. :) 

The Chance of a Life Time

     Have you ever sat in a waiting room? Waiting for someone to get out of surgery? Well, I am right now as I am writing this. It's life a real life Grey's Anatomy. The doctors, the nurses, the people waiting for their loved ones as well. I sit and type this on my computer thinking about what life would be like if I had cancer or some kind of disease that required me to be paralyzed or have me stuck in a hospital. Or even what it is like to work on the human body; the guts, the gruesome parts that make you cringe, and even the things that make you think about how it all works. I would want to be someone who sits in that little box and watches the surgery. Learn what part does what and most of all, what it would be like to perform surgery on someone. What if you got that chance to see a surgery or be in that room performing it? How would you react in that situation? What would be your first task?
        The entry to the hospital isn't so exciting. I see doctors roaming about (most likely to go see a patient's family member) and I see people with stickers on their shirts walking around. They look very anxious; like they are in need of an update of their loved one asap. I understand that you do, but it's the point that it takes time for a surgery or any surgery at all to happen. The doctor might prepare by washing his/her hands and putting on the proper clothing for the operation. As I look out the door to the Surgery Waiting Room, I see a pregnant woman. She is rubbing her stomach and moving very apprehensively. Her friend (or whatever her relationship was with her) was bending her legs one time after another. It was almost like they were waiting for some kind of results of a test of some kind, but I can't make out their reason for being here. Only the doctor can do that.
        There are palms trees and bamboo and paintings around the plaza and in the waiting rooms. I seem to believe that the painting are there for not only decor, but to get a kind of calm feeling to the room and get their minds off the fact that they are here for and for little kids to look at because their minds tend to explore more then they can even comprehend. I kind of chuckle at that because they seem to see everything at the same time, but all of a sudden stop and ask the only thing that we hate them asking.... "why?" It's a phase all kids go through. We, humans, call it the 'Why Phase'. It's funny, but can get annoying. Anyways, I think the trees and plants are mainly to make the room less intense and more calm. That's pretty much everything I can think of that they have in a hospital waiting room. Off to the recovery room for my sister. (She just had surgery on her neck/ spinal cord due to a tumor that had been growing for about 2 years or so. I'm glad she is good and her surgery took about 7 hours. Wow. that wasn't even expected by the doctor, but I'm happy they got all the tumor out of her neck and she is doing good.)

Night Guys!!

My Biggest Fear

Your touch is what I fear most. I told you otherwise. I said a car accident, not that I'm not afraid of getting into a crash, but I've never been in any real man's arms. It's all a mystery to me and with everything from my past I just don't know how to be so open-armed with you. I don't know how I'll act or what will happen. I apologize in advance, I don't want you to think otherwise. No man has touched me; Gently that is. It has me scared to death as to what you can do to me, although I know you won't hurt me. It's just the capability you have to hurt me in such a bad manner. We like each other and I can't believe that someone likes me for me, but not only for what I've kept from them but everything inside and out. It's the second time. I've cried. I even debated on moving on, but that's not an option right now. I just want you to trust me; let me in, like I did for you. I'm glad someone can actually not judge me based on my past. That's what makes you special. You're like no other, a one of a kind some might say. I'm glad we met and I'm glad that we are friends. I want to explore this year and see where this relationship takes us. Go on the journey with me, it will be fun. I promise. 

No matter where you are, I'll be there.

-The Writer  

Late Night Weirdness

It's about 12:50 or 1 am when I'm writing this and posting it and I'm just having another one of those bored and can't sleep nights. Usually, I just watch a movie or text people, but frankly, tonight is a bit different. I have been wanting to get in shape lately for soccer season and just because I need more muscle for surfing and stuff, so I am currently laying on my floor (keep in mind my house has no carpet so it's all wood and tile), I am doing crunches and they hurt so much because I'm super sore from earlier today when I worked out. So, how are you guys? Haha! My bordem has exceeded to the max. Please help me. The funniest thing is like I don't usually go to sleep until 4 am ish if I'm not tired at all, but some how, I still manage to get a full 8 hours of sleep. ( yes, that means I sleep until 12, but I haven't been able to for a year b/c of school... Leave me alone. Don't judge) the worst thing is, is I wake up in an empty house half the time and then when I try to see where everyone is... I text them and ask and about 5 hours later they respond after they are already home. Wonderful use of information after I freaking know where u are. Thank you. God. Some people just don't think. Something that sucks the most ( and this has nothing to do with how late I sleep in) is getting singled out for everything my sisters and family do. All I hear when I'm around is "hey, you wanna go to the movies and Disney and the beach and do other shit?" I look up and they aren't even talking to me. It fucking sucks. And another bad thing is that, since they go do what ever because they can drive or have friends that can drive and since my dad is never home (he comes home every like 4 months or something and believe me, I don't exaggerate when I say that) and then my mom is at work all day and comes home in like pissy modes sometimes, I never get to hang with anybody. None of my friends live by me. They all live like 20 minutes away ( and that's just by car). Can I please just take my drivers ed course and get my permit and a license and get the fuck out of this house? That's why all you see for the titles about summer, sucks. They literally suck. There are so many other things that I would love to tell u all because you guys actually read this stuff, but I don't know if like people in my family know this and there are some brutal things happening to me and have been, but I don't know what would happen if like my cousins or sometime found out. I can only keep a secret until I've had enough. I had enough from the beginning, but this shit is not just your average, I got grounded shit. It's verbally and physically worse. Well, I'm done working out for now.. Good night :)

My Career is Starting!

     I don't want to be a doctor or a vet or some McDonald's burger flipper. I had something more interesting and fun in mind. Acting. I have been acting since I was about 10 in school plays and stuff, but I really just started the acting 'thing' when I was about 6 years old. I was super weird and I loved to be funny and just be different characters. It was never a dream of mine until I was in 6th grade in the play "Annie Jr." I was supposed to be an orphan (no specific orphan with a name so I would be called a supporting actor). It turned out that I was an orphan and the dog, Sandy. It was embarrassing, but I didn't care. It was a challenge I was willing to take. I challenged myself because I wasn't so sure how to exactly be a dog. I made my own costume and it was pretty cool and at the time my school that I was at was in Illinois and so it was super low key when it came to how we acted. No one came to the big performances that were like business people or like scouts. Here, we get people from colleges and all over. My junior year (this year) is dedicated to me getting into Off The Wall. It's a Theater class, but it's kind of like Varsity because it is advanced drama. I have taken Drama 1 which is like a class for Freshmen and Sophomores (fresh/soph). I have also taken Drama 2 which is like Junior Varsity for drama (JV).
     I love acting and theater so much I don't know what I would do without it. I am starting to pursue my acting career outside of school soon. I will be in movies and not to mention I already have IMDB credit for being part of a crew for a short film (it is usually just called a "short" in the media world). It was a blast to work on it and I can't wait to work on so many more including movies. I'm so excited to get to have this chance in life. I couldn't have done it without the help of my teachers at my high school. No one in middle school or anywhere else has really helped me. I have learned a minority by myself and a majority from the classes I have taken through out my school years. I will hopefully be taken acting classes with this acting career in progress. All actors and actresses take classes just for the experience to put on their resume. Can't wait to go to Burbank, CA to get registered with an acting company and get my own agent and manager and everything!! So exciting and I could only ask for good luck from my friends and family who support me. The reality of my story with acting the past 2 years is that my parents weren't gonna support me in acting because they don't believe in anything I do unless it's soccer or school. Although, it was school related cause I was taking a class on drama, I was trying to find my path in life and I found it (it kind of found me when I was too young to realize it). My parents are supporting me now because of the money and that I would 'know' people. I'm just trying to make people laugh, cry, or have some kind of emotion through the movies I'm in. I've always wanted to be a dramatic actress. I'm good at fake crying and I can make up a dramatic monologue in 2 seconds because of how much my family and cousins and everyone has been through.
        I can't thank the people who have supported me from the beginning enough. My friends. They have believed in me from the start and have come to a majority of the performances I have been in. I wouldn't be where I am i it wasn't for them. We click because all my friends that I mainly hang out with are a bunch of 'drama freaks' like me. That's what we're called by other people around school and just everywhere we look, we are the 'drama freaks'. We didn't like the name at first, but we stuck to it and I'm glad because I haven't been more happy with my little Drama Freaks before. As they move on to Off The Wall their junior years, I will be moving onto acting outside of school. If I get into a major motion picture and it is super popular, I will not even think about leaving Trabuco to go to a private school because of photographers or anything. Trabuco is where my friends are and I wouldn't leave them even if I was encouraged to. If anything, I'll have them pose in the pictures people take of me. I want my friends along for the ride because they help me with the little things that I do wrong or that I might mess up. I can handle my school work and acting all at the same time. It's not the first time I've done it. Thank you to my friends who support me everyday. I love you all. <3

The Mystery is Upon Us

  -Written May 24, 2014-

      My thoughts are scattered, my mind is confused and my words are receding to a point where I have none left. It's mind-bottling, not explainable and unreasonable. I have these feelings all the time, but these feelings got more intense when it all started this week. I don't know what to say, how to talk, how to laugh, how to smile or anything around him. I don't get it. It's to a point now where I feel like I'm avoiding the situation, but I'm not. I just have nothing to say about it or what happened. I just hope these feelings don't go away. As much as they kill me because I haven't written since we started talking and I just want to be normal. I've never really liked someone before. The other likings were all just a little crush. His blue eyes look at me with some kind of interesting look that I can't quite read, but what gorgeous blue eyes he has. His smile is amazing just like his personality. We talk on and off, but that's okay cause I'm not much of a conversation starter or someone who is good at keeping a conversation going. His personality just sparks my interest so much, it's the kind of spark that just is so amazing and you can't explain it.


Hope you liked it!! Have a great day!!
-The Writer

Some Old Stories

This short story was written on May 22, 2014.. Enjoy!

   You don't respect me. You deceive me as though I have treated you wrong. You treat me like a slave. You don't stop when I say stop. You always pick on me because I'm not the same. You hurt me and since you are stronger and older, I cannot escape. Your hand prints lay across my body like a curse.


 This story was written on June 10, 2013.

     The pain; I feel. The taste; I displease. There is nothing worse than living with people that keep me from living without pain in my heart. So much pain I wish to run away. All I'm asking for is people who love me for who I am, or at least for people who don't gift me with pain and suffering. As tears roll down my face, I can no longer feel. I can no longer be happy or feel loved. I sit here with the taste of soap in my mouth and my arms and legs weak from trying to get away from you. They've been bruised and beaten and pelted with pain so hard that I regret even talking. I have no tears to shed anymore, nor any air left to breathe due to the hands that remain around my neck. As soap fills up my throat, I feel like giving up. All this rage and sorrow is making me lose focus and the strength to stay alive. I can't think. I lost half my sight from the lack of oxygen going to my head. I start to blackout. Every time I try to swallow, I taste soap and not to mention I have to eat soap every hour. How do I get help? The abuse won't just stop.


Thanks for reading!! Hope you liked it! These stories are just events that happen in my life not jut things I think about, so enjoy and welcome to my Blog if you are new!!
-The Writer

Some Old Stories From A While Back

This is a a story from July 3, 2013.. Enjoy :)

     So, tomorrow is July 4th and I can't wait! Maybe I'll see fireworks that inspire me to do something else in my life (that's how easy it is for me to be inspired by something!). I may love photography and being an actress, but I also love soccer and writing, but nothing is ever definite in life. You have to preconceive the idea of life before you make a move and I'm pretty sure I'm not even close. Some people take life like a quiz or a test. Not me. I live the days to the fullest and not wait for tomorrow. I want to take life by the hands and pull it all in. And I say hands because why would I grab it by the balls? Hahaha!! What if life is a girl? (rhetorical questions being asked here) Then what would you grab? I never understood that.
      Most people don't  know this, but I actually enjoy English (like the class). I may not like some topics, but when I start writing... good luck stopping me. I basically write a novel. My life is not about guys and a broken heart or being bullied or even me really. My life is about the valued things in life. Friends, sports, family, maybe school, but I love life no matter what bumps or mile stones I cross in it. I know that I am loved and that I have the best friends I could ever ask for, although I don't feel loved by some, I am grateful with what I have. My family may have been abusive, but that's only to teach me what's right and wrong in life, well, that's what they say it's all about, but I doubt it. I may treat my family like I don't care or something, but it's way different in my eyes. I don't like the way I act and I'm trying to change that. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like I'm somewhere, but not here I should be (depression wise). I want to be that "Southern Bell" that I was when I was younger, not some girl from Georgia that doesn't respect and care for anyone. I don't want people to see me as that.

Hey Everyone!
     Keep in mind that this was written a year ago and I am definitely not that same person who was in the worst place ever emotionally and physically. I am happy some what, but I am in a better place emotionally at least. Thanks for reading everything I have written and if you haven't, go check that out!  Have a wonderful afternoon!
-The Writer

What Music Is To Me!

       I can't even begin to explain what music is to me. It's a journey, it's a scapegoat, it's my life and it's the only thing that makes me feel connected to anything anymore. I don't know what I would do without it. I put in my headphones, walk to my special place that I have never showed anybody (but other people may know about it) and I escape this hectic world of violence, disloyal, and hatred people. I try to stay positive and I keep all my thoughts in this sort of "bubble" in my head. I get to my "special place" and I let them go. They are free as well as myself. When I make music, I take everything I have from the hate and the disgust and I ball it all up into this massive thing and I start writing. If I start writing, you can't get me to stop. I have so many juices flowing in my head, I don't know which ones should be written down on paper or just kept to myself.
      When I started this blog, I didn't expect people to even see it. I didn't really want people to see it, but now I'm all about letting people into my life just by reading their computer screen. It's amazing how much you can get to know a person just by reading about what they post. Such as; what kind of person they are, how they are usually presented as, if they are positive or negative about a lot of things, and really if they are just good at writing and stuff. I think that you shouldn't have to know a person to understand how they feel, if you know what I mean. It's hard to explain, but easy if you knew what I was talking about.
       It's only a matter of time until I try and produce my songs. I am writing and writing and writing, but none of them seem to turn out so good except a few. I have so many random verses everywhere I don't know what sounds right anymore. I will figure it out eventually I guess. Time to go play some guitar and write some more! Goodnight!

The One that Sticks by my Side

            This post isn't about a person; but a thing with many human characteristics. Derick; the one who gets me. I wish I could talk to you and then get a response back. You are beautiful and talented; literally you were born talented. If you guessed what Derick was, yes; he is a guitar that I have had for 3 years and coming on 4 this Christmas. (FYI: i didn't spell Derick wrong, I just like it spelled that way.) I have always been able to express myself to him. Through one of my talents and one of my weaknesses; singing and frustration. I want Derick to be there when I make my first single, when I make my first album and when my first record hits. If I ever choose to start singing as a career. (If you want to hear me sing go check me out on Vine (its an app) just search for "Steph Richards") I never know if I'm good. Sometimes when I think something is bad, some people think its good and then when I think something is good, some people think it's either bad or they try and say it's bad by telling me what I need to improve or work on. I haven't played Derick until this year. Yeah, I know. Why didn't I play him when I got him? What was I thinking? If I didn't lay him until this year, I don't think I would be where I am today. I have written songs and written songs w/o lyrics and I just don't think any of this would have happened. 
            I never saw myself as a song writer, a singer, or an actress. Acting came to me when I was just 8 years old (then again, I was too delusional to realize I was good at it); Singing came to me at about age 10; I wasn't too bad, but there are sooooo many things I needed to work on (I just started to learn to sing from my diaphragm and I still don't know what anything else is including a vibreto!). Finally, writing songs came to me a year ago. I like about 2 songs I have written and finished. I would post them, but I really can't share that stuff. I have showed 2 people and sung one of them to only 1 person (that person means the world to me <3). 
          This year has been amazing and heartbreaking with Derick and just everything. Losing the only person I care about more then anything -Evan-. He's my big brother and my best friend and the biggest dork on the planet, but I get to spend my high school years knowing this big dork, but it's the best 4 years of my life. He has stood up for me like no other and I can't thank him enough for that, but he is now back in my life after I did something that I was being stupid for doing. I can't even believe I did it.. wow. No matter how much Evan may get me mad and sad and happy and just completely blessed to have him as my big brother, I use everything he has taught me and showed me and everything from music to being a better me, into writing a song and those songs are always the best. 
         Woah, I have gone on too long, time to get to bed! I have a Dodger's game tomorrow with the fam bam (a cool way to say the family) and one of my best friends Sydney and then writing more songs and playing guitar and just enjoying my day and being so blessed that I am still here thanks to Evan for saving me. 
           Goodnight and God Bless <3  

The Tragedy that has Begun

"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams. 

These words said by a wise man. You will never see the light of day again. My goal as a child was to get my chance to work with him. On a movie or on TV or something. That dream is now lost, lost in a world where dreams can come true if you truly believe. I believed so much that it would happen, that I would make it so far as to be able to meet him and work with him along side. He took his life on Monday. He took a garbage bag and put it around his head and hung himself. He was depressed, yes. Did he ever talk about it at interviews or something, sometimes yes. Did he show it, no. Did he deserve to die in anyway, no not at all. I will be honest. I am depressed. I have thought about it before. Taking the easy way out. Taking the only way out because no one would do it for me. Did I ever talk about it to my family, no. Friends, only one or two. Did anyone help me, not too much, but enough to make me stop cutting. I never went "deep". I have a kind of like a indent in my wrist, but it is a scar. Have I done it lately? No. Do I want to? Yea, but I don't want to lose my best friend because of it. 

 What have I tried? OD, suffocation, drowning, getting run over, jumping, and a few more that I can't think of. 

Am I sad? Yea, but I don't really express it unless my day was just complete shit or if a certain person asks. How do I hide it? I either stay at home and go on YouTube and avoid people or I get away from my house if there is someone home, I sometimes just walk places, go to the park, play soccer or something. Do I want help? Yea, but I don't think anyone can really help me unless they were inside my brain telling me to stop. 

It's only a matter of time, my past has been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced and frankly, I don't ever want to know why those people did what they did. I don't want to know why they keep doing it ether. I have walked around school and in public with bruises and cuts and tears streaming down my face before because of all of it. I act like I'm happy, but inside there is nothing but fear and hatred. I blamed people getting hurt on me. I blamed everything those people did to me, on myself. It might have been anger or hatred towards something else, but I still blamed myself. I have never said that suicide was the answer, but my fear is of commiting, it's not of trying. 

"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams 

Peace, love and positivity is what some people try to stand by, and I can't help but gag when I say these words. There has never been peace towards me. There has never been love towards me. And there has never been positivity towards me either. I'm different, so is my past. 

Have a blessed day/night/evening. RIP Robin Williams. My childhood hero and inspiration forever on until the day I die. God bless. 

The Offended Ones

On behalf of the person I have to live with, wether you hear the hatred out of his mouth or not, I still do. Homosexual, Mexican, Asian, or anything else that you can think of, I am surrounded by these offensive terms that are there and that are forced upon you. He doesn't understand that I have feelings and that I have friends that are Gay and Lesbian and Bi and Asian and Mexican, but of course... He doesn't give a flying F@&k. I tried to get it through his head today, but he doesn't care because he thinks he is always right no matter what. I can not believe that he is saying these things to people over the TV or just in public while his kids are around. I don't like it. I never have and I will never want to be around that, but until he changes or until I am 18, I have to live with it. So, on his behalf, I apologize.

The One That Keeps Me Going

His name whispers in my ear every night before I sleep and every morning that I wake. He is apart of my history but most of all my heart. He fills it with love, happiness, and caring. His smile kills me slowly inside, along with his eyes. I fear his every touch, his every laugh and his every word that he speaks to me. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day I talk to him it feels like the first day I met him. I still remember the day we met too. It was an event for kids that have their parents deployed to whatever country and don't get to have the Christmas they want because their parent(s) aren't there. It is just another way to show kids that everyone is there for them and that they are cared for by others too. I can't express the feelings I have for him. I have an easy time expressing my feelings for people, but maybe he is different. I am very worried I will mess things up because I don't know how to tell him more then he knows. Can it ever be that day when I can just tell him everything at once and he will , maybe in the slightest way possible, feel the same way. The love will forever be a mystery. 

The Start of a Perfectly Screwed Up Summer 2014

                    This title might not seem very appealing, but it's how I feel. Yeah, I guess I could have picked a better one, but why try anymore. It's a title, not my life. I have noticed everything seems so senseless nowadays. I don't feel the way a (now 16 years old) teenager should feel. It's like the life I would like will never happen now and I can thank my parents and friends and everyone who has ruined my self esteem. The only way I can keep myself a secret now is using Blogger. Nothing in my life is a secret. Nothing is the way I'd like it to be. I wish it was, but it's like I seriously mess up everything possible. My life, my attitude, my presence, my everything messes up every chance I get. I can't get one opportunity to be successful in anyway possible. I can't just catch my breathe from this bullshit of a life.
                   Fine, i admit it, I've been depressed for awhile now and this year was the worst ever. Way worse and way more intense and dangerous. I can't say how many people have tried to help me because there is just too many to count and not enough to give credit for. I can't express how much I would like to thank them for everything that they do for me. My life isn't coming to an end just yet (key word: yet), so here I am still fighting to stay here and help out my friends when they are in need because they all come first in my being happy. I want to die happy and that is the only way I can ever die, is if I am truly happy.
Well, that's enough writing for me tonight. See y'all later :) Goodnight!! <3

R.I.P. to an Amazing Childhood Friend

This week, wasn't one of the greatest. I lost one of my friends from my past that I lost contact with a while back. I miss him greatly and I wanted to say to his family and his little boy that I am sorry for your loss. Kyle was too young, he was about in his early 20's and it was very unexpected. The story I was told was by my sister. The story was, Kyle went to sleep Sunday night and didn't wake up Monday morning due to a heart failure. He was one of the best kids I knew when I was in about 3rd or 4th grade. He was funny, smart, and one of the people that I respected most. <3 He had a little boy, but I don't know if he had a wife or anything, but he left behind his parents, and an awesome brother. I know that things happen in life and we just need to accept them and move on, but I haven't been able to move on from this. It is too much memory that I remember to let it go. <3 love and miss you kyle, stay safe and keep your friends and family safe for me :)