Have you ever stepped back and thought about life and the person you are with and imagined that you would want to give anything and everything for someone to be happy? I have done so many things that I would have never done for someone. I can't believe my eyes. Some good and some bad, but all can be fixed.
Last night was an eye-opener. At about 2:30 a.m., I snuck out to see a guy that I have liked a lot for over a month now. It was the first time I ever snuck out of my house and can I just say how nervous I was at getting caught.. shaking and me constantly looking around to make sure no one sees or comes outside. As nerve racking as that is, the second we kissed, I felt wanted, loved, and appreciated. Like he said on the 4th of July, "We have our own fireworks right here". We hugged for a little bit and that's when it hit me, "I think I'm falling in love". It's not that he isn't the right guy, he is beyond amazing and perfect and just all around my hero, but we aren't together.. which is a bit of a problem with me falling only for the reason that I want to be with him, I want to explore the world with him and go on little adventures. As long as it is with him, I will be happy or, as long as I still have him present I will be happy. But, that doesn't mean present in the sense of right by my side because we both have lives that we need to live so a hug and a kiss here and there will suffice. But frankly, being friends with benefits kills me sometimes... most of the time... okay, fine -all the time.
We dated for a good 4 days and broke up because certain things in his life took over. We talked about after it being all over, that we could see where things go if we are together and it isn't working in my favor. I feel like I'm being used for sexual favors, but I know him enough to know he isn't doing that. This past week, we didn't see each other a single day, but we talked here and there and what shocked me was that he was dying to see me and kiss me.. but I couldn't tell if that was him being in a state of sexual attraction talking or actually him wanting to see me. He drives me crazy in the sense of me needing to see him at least 1 time a week. Like, that is pretty fucking good for someone who used to see him everyday for 2 weeks straight when we first met. That is all we did for 2 weeks after the 3rd.... we hung out from noon till whenever. Don't get me wrong, I adore him to the absolute fullest, but when you see him everyday for that long, you want to be with him for a long time.
The second I knew I was falling in love with my handsome knight in shining armor, I knew something was gonna go wrong. I write almost every month whether it be in my journal or on here. Yet, every time I write about a guy I like, something goes wrong. Although him and I have gotten super close, sexually and personally; adventure is always in the air. We definitely had the best adventure on the 25th of July in a van... hahaha! That's all I'm gonna say because I think you get the idea of what 2 people who are very attracted to each other can do in the back of a van with every aching bone in their body to not do something too fast... although, it was fast if you look at it from the time we met to then, but I felt like whenever you are ready to do more than just hook up, go for it... but only when you are ready. Words of Advice: Don't let someone pressure you into sex. It isn't something anyone should force on their partner. Please, don't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to.
-the writer
I have recently been talking to my ex and I can't stop thinking about all the amazing times we had, but also all the bad times we had. It makes me miss everything and it gets sad, it really does. I miss it all. Whether or not it is the sex I miss, the fun times, or the endless texts of him sending me lyrics. I miss it all. Everything about it. It has been about 10 months now since we broke up and it is good to take to him, but he is getting jealous because I found a guy and I really like him, but I posted pictures and everything with him.. so my ex got jealous and got mad so he blocked me on everything. It is sad because I wanted to shove it in his face at first that I found somebody, but I knew that wasn't the kind of person I am, so I stopped doing it on purpose. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I only want us to be okay again. That's all I want for our friendship. He said he is still looking over me with the things I do but I don't know why he keeps doing it and he also says that he feels responsible for my actions. I don't understand but it's a "him thing". He says I wouldn't understand, but I'm trying to with every bone in my body. He taught me everything about my sexual ways and he also taught me how to actually be happy. He showed me that I changed and needed to change back to myself because I slipped away.
I have him to thank for teaching me logic and reason and using that in my everyday life. I can't thank him enough and he doesn't realize how much he is and has been appreciated by me. He was my first love. I loved him and he will always have a special place in my heart. So, thank you if you are reading this (probably not).
-the writer
On 8/8/15 I had gotten up at about 6 am to drive to LA for an Open House at a performing arts school. It was such a great college (AMDA-The College and Conservatory of the Performing Arts)! I had such great time meeting actual Actors, Directors, Choreographers, and many others!! I unfortunately did not get pictures with the 2 I had actually seen before. It made me a little upset, but I put that aside because it felt like such an honor to be sitting in front of them.
Then, on 8/9/15, I had gotten up again at 6 am to drive back to AMDA for my audition. At AMDA, you have to audition to be accepted into the school. I am auditioning for the Acting program to get my BFA in Acting (Bachelor's in Fine Arts). So, for that audition, I had to memorize 2 monologues and write 3 essays. It was worth it, but I didn't really memorize my monologues. So, I improved my dramatic monologue, but my comedic I did good on. There were a lot of things that happened in the months of me wanting to audition... In meaning, I reconsidered auditioning. But I'm happy I did it in the end. But, now I have to wait for a response which should be in about 3-4 weeks. I just need to turn in my letters of recommendation!!!
Wish me luck/ Break a leg!
-the writer
It's never a great idea to talk to your ex. Feelings, emotions, passions, etc. they all come back to haunt you.. at least that was my personal experience with that the first time I talked to my ex. No, my current crush does not know I am still in contact with him and frankly, it's not the best idea for him to know right now. Yes, honesty is the best policy and being truthful is the best thing as well, but right now, times are hard and that's the last thing he needs to worry about. Being just friends with an ex is okay, but only if you don't develop any feelings for him. Fortunately, I haven't nor will I in the future. Some things have triggered the water works (tears) because of the past and just thinking about the past makes things 110% worse. I'll admit he can be an asshole at times, but I'm willing to tolerate it. The fighting wasn't good when we were together and frankly, it isn't fun now. Of course I miss what we had, but moving on and finding the guy I'm with now was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It took me a good 6 months to move on after we broke up. Although we were friends with benefits for 4 months, I don't care because it was the best experience I had gotten. I'm happy to say I wasn't cheated on or taken advantage of, and hopefully in the future I'm not going to be taken advantage of. God has my life in His hands and He has a path for me and I trust Him to make good things and some bad things come my way. God only puts the things in your life that He knows you can handle. Yet, it is only up to you to choose whether you want to move on from that thing or let it take your life piece by piece. I can only thank God so much for putting the guy I'm with, in my life. I get the feeling we will go far and I think that is a sign or a signal from God saying to go all the way and don't let anything stop you from being with him.
Thank you God and thank you to my readers. I wouldn't be here still if it wasn't for you.
I love you all.
-the writer
