Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Late Night Weirdness
It's about 12:50 or 1 am when I'm writing this and posting it and I'm just having another one of those bored and can't sleep nights. Usually, I just watch a movie or text people, but frankly, tonight is a bit different. I have been wanting to get in shape lately for soccer season and just because I need more muscle for surfing and stuff, so I am currently laying on my floor (keep in mind my house has no carpet so it's all wood and tile), I am doing crunches and they hurt so much because I'm super sore from earlier today when I worked out. So, how are you guys? Haha! My bordem has exceeded to the max. Please help me. The funniest thing is like I don't usually go to sleep until 4 am ish if I'm not tired at all, but some how, I still manage to get a full 8 hours of sleep. ( yes, that means I sleep until 12, but I haven't been able to for a year b/c of school... Leave me alone. Don't judge) the worst thing is, is I wake up in an empty house half the time and then when I try to see where everyone is... I text them and ask and about 5 hours later they respond after they are already home. Wonderful use of information after I freaking know where u are. Thank you. God. Some people just don't think. Something that sucks the most ( and this has nothing to do with how late I sleep in) is getting singled out for everything my sisters and family do. All I hear when I'm around is "hey, you wanna go to the movies and Disney and the beach and do other shit?" I look up and they aren't even talking to me. It fucking sucks. And another bad thing is that, since they go do what ever because they can drive or have friends that can drive and since my dad is never home (he comes home every like 4 months or something and believe me, I don't exaggerate when I say that) and then my mom is at work all day and comes home in like pissy modes sometimes, I never get to hang with anybody. None of my friends live by me. They all live like 20 minutes away ( and that's just by car). Can I please just take my drivers ed course and get my permit and a license and get the fuck out of this house? That's why all you see for the titles about summer, sucks. They literally suck. There are so many other things that I would love to tell u all because you guys actually read this stuff, but I don't know if like people in my family know this and there are some brutal things happening to me and have been, but I don't know what would happen if like my cousins or sometime found out. I can only keep a secret until I've had enough. I had enough from the beginning, but this shit is not just your average, I got grounded shit. It's verbally and physically worse. Well, I'm done working out for now.. Good night :)
Saturday, August 23, 2014
My Career is Starting!
I don't want to be a doctor or a vet or some McDonald's burger flipper. I had something more interesting and fun in mind. Acting. I have been acting since I was about 10 in school plays and stuff, but I really just started the acting 'thing' when I was about 6 years old. I was super weird and I loved to be funny and just be different characters. It was never a dream of mine until I was in 6th grade in the play "Annie Jr." I was supposed to be an orphan (no specific orphan with a name so I would be called a supporting actor). It turned out that I was an orphan and the dog, Sandy. It was embarrassing, but I didn't care. It was a challenge I was willing to take. I challenged myself because I wasn't so sure how to exactly be a dog. I made my own costume and it was pretty cool and at the time my school that I was at was in Illinois and so it was super low key when it came to how we acted. No one came to the big performances that were like business people or like scouts. Here, we get people from colleges and all over. My junior year (this year) is dedicated to me getting into Off The Wall. It's a Theater class, but it's kind of like Varsity because it is advanced drama. I have taken Drama 1 which is like a class for Freshmen and Sophomores (fresh/soph). I have also taken Drama 2 which is like Junior Varsity for drama (JV).
I love acting and theater so much I don't know what I would do without it. I am starting to pursue my acting career outside of school soon. I will be in movies and not to mention I already have IMDB credit for being part of a crew for a short film (it is usually just called a "short" in the media world). It was a blast to work on it and I can't wait to work on so many more including movies. I'm so excited to get to have this chance in life. I couldn't have done it without the help of my teachers at my high school. No one in middle school or anywhere else has really helped me. I have learned a minority by myself and a majority from the classes I have taken through out my school years. I will hopefully be taken acting classes with this acting career in progress. All actors and actresses take classes just for the experience to put on their resume. Can't wait to go to Burbank, CA to get registered with an acting company and get my own agent and manager and everything!! So exciting and I could only ask for good luck from my friends and family who support me. The reality of my story with acting the past 2 years is that my parents weren't gonna support me in acting because they don't believe in anything I do unless it's soccer or school. Although, it was school related cause I was taking a class on drama, I was trying to find my path in life and I found it (it kind of found me when I was too young to realize it). My parents are supporting me now because of the money and that I would 'know' people. I'm just trying to make people laugh, cry, or have some kind of emotion through the movies I'm in. I've always wanted to be a dramatic actress. I'm good at fake crying and I can make up a dramatic monologue in 2 seconds because of how much my family and cousins and everyone has been through.
I can't thank the people who have supported me from the beginning enough. My friends. They have believed in me from the start and have come to a majority of the performances I have been in. I wouldn't be where I am i it wasn't for them. We click because all my friends that I mainly hang out with are a bunch of 'drama freaks' like me. That's what we're called by other people around school and just everywhere we look, we are the 'drama freaks'. We didn't like the name at first, but we stuck to it and I'm glad because I haven't been more happy with my little Drama Freaks before. As they move on to Off The Wall their junior years, I will be moving onto acting outside of school. If I get into a major motion picture and it is super popular, I will not even think about leaving Trabuco to go to a private school because of photographers or anything. Trabuco is where my friends are and I wouldn't leave them even if I was encouraged to. If anything, I'll have them pose in the pictures people take of me. I want my friends along for the ride because they help me with the little things that I do wrong or that I might mess up. I can handle my school work and acting all at the same time. It's not the first time I've done it. Thank you to my friends who support me everyday. I love you all. <3
I love acting and theater so much I don't know what I would do without it. I am starting to pursue my acting career outside of school soon. I will be in movies and not to mention I already have IMDB credit for being part of a crew for a short film (it is usually just called a "short" in the media world). It was a blast to work on it and I can't wait to work on so many more including movies. I'm so excited to get to have this chance in life. I couldn't have done it without the help of my teachers at my high school. No one in middle school or anywhere else has really helped me. I have learned a minority by myself and a majority from the classes I have taken through out my school years. I will hopefully be taken acting classes with this acting career in progress. All actors and actresses take classes just for the experience to put on their resume. Can't wait to go to Burbank, CA to get registered with an acting company and get my own agent and manager and everything!! So exciting and I could only ask for good luck from my friends and family who support me. The reality of my story with acting the past 2 years is that my parents weren't gonna support me in acting because they don't believe in anything I do unless it's soccer or school. Although, it was school related cause I was taking a class on drama, I was trying to find my path in life and I found it (it kind of found me when I was too young to realize it). My parents are supporting me now because of the money and that I would 'know' people. I'm just trying to make people laugh, cry, or have some kind of emotion through the movies I'm in. I've always wanted to be a dramatic actress. I'm good at fake crying and I can make up a dramatic monologue in 2 seconds because of how much my family and cousins and everyone has been through.
I can't thank the people who have supported me from the beginning enough. My friends. They have believed in me from the start and have come to a majority of the performances I have been in. I wouldn't be where I am i it wasn't for them. We click because all my friends that I mainly hang out with are a bunch of 'drama freaks' like me. That's what we're called by other people around school and just everywhere we look, we are the 'drama freaks'. We didn't like the name at first, but we stuck to it and I'm glad because I haven't been more happy with my little Drama Freaks before. As they move on to Off The Wall their junior years, I will be moving onto acting outside of school. If I get into a major motion picture and it is super popular, I will not even think about leaving Trabuco to go to a private school because of photographers or anything. Trabuco is where my friends are and I wouldn't leave them even if I was encouraged to. If anything, I'll have them pose in the pictures people take of me. I want my friends along for the ride because they help me with the little things that I do wrong or that I might mess up. I can handle my school work and acting all at the same time. It's not the first time I've done it. Thank you to my friends who support me everyday. I love you all. <3
Friday, August 22, 2014
The Mystery is Upon Us
-Written May 24, 2014-
My thoughts are scattered, my mind is confused and my words are receding to a point where I have none left. It's mind-bottling, not explainable and unreasonable. I have these feelings all the time, but these feelings got more intense when it all started this week. I don't know what to say, how to talk, how to laugh, how to smile or anything around him. I don't get it. It's to a point now where I feel like I'm avoiding the situation, but I'm not. I just have nothing to say about it or what happened. I just hope these feelings don't go away. As much as they kill me because I haven't written since we started talking and I just want to be normal. I've never really liked someone before. The other likings were all just a little crush. His blue eyes look at me with some kind of interesting look that I can't quite read, but what gorgeous blue eyes he has. His smile is amazing just like his personality. We talk on and off, but that's okay cause I'm not much of a conversation starter or someone who is good at keeping a conversation going. His personality just sparks my interest so much, it's the kind of spark that just is so amazing and you can't explain it.
Hope you liked it!! Have a great day!!
-The Writer
My thoughts are scattered, my mind is confused and my words are receding to a point where I have none left. It's mind-bottling, not explainable and unreasonable. I have these feelings all the time, but these feelings got more intense when it all started this week. I don't know what to say, how to talk, how to laugh, how to smile or anything around him. I don't get it. It's to a point now where I feel like I'm avoiding the situation, but I'm not. I just have nothing to say about it or what happened. I just hope these feelings don't go away. As much as they kill me because I haven't written since we started talking and I just want to be normal. I've never really liked someone before. The other likings were all just a little crush. His blue eyes look at me with some kind of interesting look that I can't quite read, but what gorgeous blue eyes he has. His smile is amazing just like his personality. We talk on and off, but that's okay cause I'm not much of a conversation starter or someone who is good at keeping a conversation going. His personality just sparks my interest so much, it's the kind of spark that just is so amazing and you can't explain it.
Hope you liked it!! Have a great day!!
-The Writer
Some Old Stories
This short story was written on May 22, 2014.. Enjoy!
You don't respect me. You deceive me as though I have treated you wrong. You treat me like a slave. You don't stop when I say stop. You always pick on me because I'm not the same. You hurt me and since you are stronger and older, I cannot escape. Your hand prints lay across my body like a curse.
This story was written on June 10, 2013.
The pain; I feel. The taste; I displease. There is nothing worse than living with people that keep me from living without pain in my heart. So much pain I wish to run away. All I'm asking for is people who love me for who I am, or at least for people who don't gift me with pain and suffering. As tears roll down my face, I can no longer feel. I can no longer be happy or feel loved. I sit here with the taste of soap in my mouth and my arms and legs weak from trying to get away from you. They've been bruised and beaten and pelted with pain so hard that I regret even talking. I have no tears to shed anymore, nor any air left to breathe due to the hands that remain around my neck. As soap fills up my throat, I feel like giving up. All this rage and sorrow is making me lose focus and the strength to stay alive. I can't think. I lost half my sight from the lack of oxygen going to my head. I start to blackout. Every time I try to swallow, I taste soap and not to mention I have to eat soap every hour. How do I get help? The abuse won't just stop.
Thanks for reading!! Hope you liked it! These stories are just events that happen in my life not jut things I think about, so enjoy and welcome to my Blog if you are new!!
-The Writer
You don't respect me. You deceive me as though I have treated you wrong. You treat me like a slave. You don't stop when I say stop. You always pick on me because I'm not the same. You hurt me and since you are stronger and older, I cannot escape. Your hand prints lay across my body like a curse.
This story was written on June 10, 2013.
The pain; I feel. The taste; I displease. There is nothing worse than living with people that keep me from living without pain in my heart. So much pain I wish to run away. All I'm asking for is people who love me for who I am, or at least for people who don't gift me with pain and suffering. As tears roll down my face, I can no longer feel. I can no longer be happy or feel loved. I sit here with the taste of soap in my mouth and my arms and legs weak from trying to get away from you. They've been bruised and beaten and pelted with pain so hard that I regret even talking. I have no tears to shed anymore, nor any air left to breathe due to the hands that remain around my neck. As soap fills up my throat, I feel like giving up. All this rage and sorrow is making me lose focus and the strength to stay alive. I can't think. I lost half my sight from the lack of oxygen going to my head. I start to blackout. Every time I try to swallow, I taste soap and not to mention I have to eat soap every hour. How do I get help? The abuse won't just stop.
Thanks for reading!! Hope you liked it! These stories are just events that happen in my life not jut things I think about, so enjoy and welcome to my Blog if you are new!!
-The Writer
Some Old Stories From A While Back
This is a a story from July 3, 2013.. Enjoy :)
So, tomorrow is July 4th and I can't wait! Maybe I'll see fireworks that inspire me to do something else in my life (that's how easy it is for me to be inspired by something!). I may love photography and being an actress, but I also love soccer and writing, but nothing is ever definite in life. You have to preconceive the idea of life before you make a move and I'm pretty sure I'm not even close. Some people take life like a quiz or a test. Not me. I live the days to the fullest and not wait for tomorrow. I want to take life by the hands and pull it all in. And I say hands because why would I grab it by the balls? Hahaha!! What if life is a girl? (rhetorical questions being asked here) Then what would you grab? I never understood that.
Most people don't know this, but I actually enjoy English (like the class). I may not like some topics, but when I start writing... good luck stopping me. I basically write a novel. My life is not about guys and a broken heart or being bullied or even me really. My life is about the valued things in life. Friends, sports, family, maybe school, but I love life no matter what bumps or mile stones I cross in it. I know that I am loved and that I have the best friends I could ever ask for, although I don't feel loved by some, I am grateful with what I have. My family may have been abusive, but that's only to teach me what's right and wrong in life, well, that's what they say it's all about, but I doubt it. I may treat my family like I don't care or something, but it's way different in my eyes. I don't like the way I act and I'm trying to change that. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like I'm somewhere, but not here I should be (depression wise). I want to be that "Southern Bell" that I was when I was younger, not some girl from Georgia that doesn't respect and care for anyone. I don't want people to see me as that.
Hey Everyone!
Keep in mind that this was written a year ago and I am definitely not that same person who was in the worst place ever emotionally and physically. I am happy some what, but I am in a better place emotionally at least. Thanks for reading everything I have written and if you haven't, go check that out! Have a wonderful afternoon!
-The Writer
So, tomorrow is July 4th and I can't wait! Maybe I'll see fireworks that inspire me to do something else in my life (that's how easy it is for me to be inspired by something!). I may love photography and being an actress, but I also love soccer and writing, but nothing is ever definite in life. You have to preconceive the idea of life before you make a move and I'm pretty sure I'm not even close. Some people take life like a quiz or a test. Not me. I live the days to the fullest and not wait for tomorrow. I want to take life by the hands and pull it all in. And I say hands because why would I grab it by the balls? Hahaha!! What if life is a girl? (rhetorical questions being asked here) Then what would you grab? I never understood that.
Most people don't know this, but I actually enjoy English (like the class). I may not like some topics, but when I start writing... good luck stopping me. I basically write a novel. My life is not about guys and a broken heart or being bullied or even me really. My life is about the valued things in life. Friends, sports, family, maybe school, but I love life no matter what bumps or mile stones I cross in it. I know that I am loved and that I have the best friends I could ever ask for, although I don't feel loved by some, I am grateful with what I have. My family may have been abusive, but that's only to teach me what's right and wrong in life, well, that's what they say it's all about, but I doubt it. I may treat my family like I don't care or something, but it's way different in my eyes. I don't like the way I act and I'm trying to change that. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like I'm somewhere, but not here I should be (depression wise). I want to be that "Southern Bell" that I was when I was younger, not some girl from Georgia that doesn't respect and care for anyone. I don't want people to see me as that.
Hey Everyone!
Keep in mind that this was written a year ago and I am definitely not that same person who was in the worst place ever emotionally and physically. I am happy some what, but I am in a better place emotionally at least. Thanks for reading everything I have written and if you haven't, go check that out! Have a wonderful afternoon!
-The Writer
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
What Music Is To Me!
I can't even begin to explain what music is to me. It's a journey, it's a scapegoat, it's my life and it's the only thing that makes me feel connected to anything anymore. I don't know what I would do without it. I put in my headphones, walk to my special place that I have never showed anybody (but other people may know about it) and I escape this hectic world of violence, disloyal, and hatred people. I try to stay positive and I keep all my thoughts in this sort of "bubble" in my head. I get to my "special place" and I let them go. They are free as well as myself. When I make music, I take everything I have from the hate and the disgust and I ball it all up into this massive thing and I start writing. If I start writing, you can't get me to stop. I have so many juices flowing in my head, I don't know which ones should be written down on paper or just kept to myself.
When I started this blog, I didn't expect people to even see it. I didn't really want people to see it, but now I'm all about letting people into my life just by reading their computer screen. It's amazing how much you can get to know a person just by reading about what they post. Such as; what kind of person they are, how they are usually presented as, if they are positive or negative about a lot of things, and really if they are just good at writing and stuff. I think that you shouldn't have to know a person to understand how they feel, if you know what I mean. It's hard to explain, but easy if you knew what I was talking about.
It's only a matter of time until I try and produce my songs. I am writing and writing and writing, but none of them seem to turn out so good except a few. I have so many random verses everywhere I don't know what sounds right anymore. I will figure it out eventually I guess. Time to go play some guitar and write some more! Goodnight!
When I started this blog, I didn't expect people to even see it. I didn't really want people to see it, but now I'm all about letting people into my life just by reading their computer screen. It's amazing how much you can get to know a person just by reading about what they post. Such as; what kind of person they are, how they are usually presented as, if they are positive or negative about a lot of things, and really if they are just good at writing and stuff. I think that you shouldn't have to know a person to understand how they feel, if you know what I mean. It's hard to explain, but easy if you knew what I was talking about.
It's only a matter of time until I try and produce my songs. I am writing and writing and writing, but none of them seem to turn out so good except a few. I have so many random verses everywhere I don't know what sounds right anymore. I will figure it out eventually I guess. Time to go play some guitar and write some more! Goodnight!
Saturday, August 16, 2014
The One that Sticks by my Side
This post isn't about a person; but a thing with many human characteristics. Derick; the one who gets me. I wish I could talk to you and then get a response back. You are beautiful and talented; literally you were born talented. If you guessed what Derick was, yes; he is a guitar that I have had for 3 years and coming on 4 this Christmas. (FYI: i didn't spell Derick wrong, I just like it spelled that way.) I have always been able to express myself to him. Through one of my talents and one of my weaknesses; singing and frustration. I want Derick to be there when I make my first single, when I make my first album and when my first record hits. If I ever choose to start singing as a career. (If you want to hear me sing go check me out on Vine (its an app) just search for "Steph Richards") I never know if I'm good. Sometimes when I think something is bad, some people think its good and then when I think something is good, some people think it's either bad or they try and say it's bad by telling me what I need to improve or work on. I haven't played Derick until this year. Yeah, I know. Why didn't I play him when I got him? What was I thinking? If I didn't lay him until this year, I don't think I would be where I am today. I have written songs and written songs w/o lyrics and I just don't think any of this would have happened.
I never saw myself as a song writer, a singer, or an actress. Acting came to me when I was just 8 years old (then again, I was too delusional to realize I was good at it); Singing came to me at about age 10; I wasn't too bad, but there are sooooo many things I needed to work on (I just started to learn to sing from my diaphragm and I still don't know what anything else is including a vibreto!). Finally, writing songs came to me a year ago. I like about 2 songs I have written and finished. I would post them, but I really can't share that stuff. I have showed 2 people and sung one of them to only 1 person (that person means the world to me <3).
This year has been amazing and heartbreaking with Derick and just everything. Losing the only person I care about more then anything -Evan-. He's my big brother and my best friend and the biggest dork on the planet, but I get to spend my high school years knowing this big dork, but it's the best 4 years of my life. He has stood up for me like no other and I can't thank him enough for that, but he is now back in my life after I did something that I was being stupid for doing. I can't even believe I did it.. wow. No matter how much Evan may get me mad and sad and happy and just completely blessed to have him as my big brother, I use everything he has taught me and showed me and everything from music to being a better me, into writing a song and those songs are always the best.
Woah, I have gone on too long, time to get to bed! I have a Dodger's game tomorrow with the fam bam (a cool way to say the family) and one of my best friends Sydney and then writing more songs and playing guitar and just enjoying my day and being so blessed that I am still here thanks to Evan for saving me.
Goodnight and God Bless <3
I never saw myself as a song writer, a singer, or an actress. Acting came to me when I was just 8 years old (then again, I was too delusional to realize I was good at it); Singing came to me at about age 10; I wasn't too bad, but there are sooooo many things I needed to work on (I just started to learn to sing from my diaphragm and I still don't know what anything else is including a vibreto!). Finally, writing songs came to me a year ago. I like about 2 songs I have written and finished. I would post them, but I really can't share that stuff. I have showed 2 people and sung one of them to only 1 person (that person means the world to me <3).
This year has been amazing and heartbreaking with Derick and just everything. Losing the only person I care about more then anything -Evan-. He's my big brother and my best friend and the biggest dork on the planet, but I get to spend my high school years knowing this big dork, but it's the best 4 years of my life. He has stood up for me like no other and I can't thank him enough for that, but he is now back in my life after I did something that I was being stupid for doing. I can't even believe I did it.. wow. No matter how much Evan may get me mad and sad and happy and just completely blessed to have him as my big brother, I use everything he has taught me and showed me and everything from music to being a better me, into writing a song and those songs are always the best.
Woah, I have gone on too long, time to get to bed! I have a Dodger's game tomorrow with the fam bam (a cool way to say the family) and one of my best friends Sydney and then writing more songs and playing guitar and just enjoying my day and being so blessed that I am still here thanks to Evan for saving me.
Goodnight and God Bless <3
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The Tragedy that has Begun
"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams.
These words said by a wise man. You will never see the light of day again. My goal as a child was to get my chance to work with him. On a movie or on TV or something. That dream is now lost, lost in a world where dreams can come true if you truly believe. I believed so much that it would happen, that I would make it so far as to be able to meet him and work with him along side. He took his life on Monday. He took a garbage bag and put it around his head and hung himself. He was depressed, yes. Did he ever talk about it at interviews or something, sometimes yes. Did he show it, no. Did he deserve to die in anyway, no not at all. I will be honest. I am depressed. I have thought about it before. Taking the easy way out. Taking the only way out because no one would do it for me. Did I ever talk about it to my family, no. Friends, only one or two. Did anyone help me, not too much, but enough to make me stop cutting. I never went "deep". I have a kind of like a indent in my wrist, but it is a scar. Have I done it lately? No. Do I want to? Yea, but I don't want to lose my best friend because of it.
What have I tried? OD, suffocation, drowning, getting run over, jumping, and a few more that I can't think of.
Am I sad? Yea, but I don't really express it unless my day was just complete shit or if a certain person asks. How do I hide it? I either stay at home and go on YouTube and avoid people or I get away from my house if there is someone home, I sometimes just walk places, go to the park, play soccer or something. Do I want help? Yea, but I don't think anyone can really help me unless they were inside my brain telling me to stop.
It's only a matter of time, my past has been the most horrific thing I have ever experienced and frankly, I don't ever want to know why those people did what they did. I don't want to know why they keep doing it ether. I have walked around school and in public with bruises and cuts and tears streaming down my face before because of all of it. I act like I'm happy, but inside there is nothing but fear and hatred. I blamed people getting hurt on me. I blamed everything those people did to me, on myself. It might have been anger or hatred towards something else, but I still blamed myself. I have never said that suicide was the answer, but my fear is of commiting, it's not of trying.
"It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone." -Robin Williams
Peace, love and positivity is what some people try to stand by, and I can't help but gag when I say these words. There has never been peace towards me. There has never been love towards me. And there has never been positivity towards me either. I'm different, so is my past.
Have a blessed day/night/evening. RIP Robin Williams. My childhood hero and inspiration forever on until the day I die. God bless.
Monday, August 11, 2014
The Offended Ones
On behalf of the person I have to live with, wether you hear the hatred out of his mouth or not, I still do. Homosexual, Mexican, Asian, or anything else that you can think of, I am surrounded by these offensive terms that are there and that are forced upon you. He doesn't understand that I have feelings and that I have friends that are Gay and Lesbian and Bi and Asian and Mexican, but of course... He doesn't give a flying F@&k. I tried to get it through his head today, but he doesn't care because he thinks he is always right no matter what. I can not believe that he is saying these things to people over the TV or just in public while his kids are around. I don't like it. I never have and I will never want to be around that, but until he changes or until I am 18, I have to live with it. So, on his behalf, I apologize.
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