Senior Struggles and Benefits

             Hello everyone! I have not posted in a while but that is due to the fact that I am still in school. I wish I was not in school still, but I have this year and then possibly a gap year to really find myself and get into the industry that I want to be in. So, during this senior year, I have gone through a few struggles and a few benefits, and I would like to share them with you. 

          Struggling senior year is bound to happen with everyone. I have gone through a few so far as the year has begun. Those struggles began with my english class. I am taking English 4 ERWC, which means Expository Reading and Writing Course. I have chosen this course because I am not a fan of the books. I do not like to read unless I get to choose what the content is. I also chose this course for the writing experience because I wanted to write better when it came to my blog posts. In this class, we were assigned a Narrative Essay; an essay about yourself, and I had written one about my past with the abuse happening with my family and then bullying throughout my life (I will be posting it on my blog shortly for your viewing pleasure). Being a teacher, when you read a story about abuse and all the things that have happened, it is protocol that they report it and tell the office so that they could prevent it if something is still occurring. Well, this had happened with my essay. I was scared, honestly. Due to my parents not knowing that I wrote it, made it worse in case they did find out. But thankfully, they have not and hopefully they will never find out. 
           A benefit to my senior year would be meeting new friends. Yes, a guy and then a few girls. No, unfortunately nothing is happening with me and the fellow, but hopefully we can just get to know each other for now. I just want all my friends to be happy, especially him. We had talked and gotten to know each other a little bit, yet it lead to kissing under the stars on a blanket at the park. It was just so amazing. Good kisser, great guy, the most unbelievable personality that you would ever know, the kindest heart ever, and the best smile ever, followed by the cutest laugh ever. We stand friends, but distant a little. Deciding to just be friends and get to know each other, we have hung out about 2 times since deciding that. Awkward, a little, but that is just in my opinion. 
           One thing that gets me every time, is that I have had my first kiss with now 5 guys at that same park. I do not know what that means, maybe just a coincidence. I do not like reflecting on certain things like that because it makes me sound like I do it often.. but I promise I do not. I just wish it could be different with this guy, that is all. Time will only tell. 
            Another struggle I have gone through is almost not graduating High School. There is a lit more pressure on me to graduate because I flunked a lot of classes freshmen and sophomore year, and now I am given the consequences. I will graduate to prove everybody wrong. I have no one that believes in me and frankly, I am my own support system 95 % of the time. That is sad. 
             Finally, the other benefit that I have gone through this year, so far, is that I am getting more into the industry than I had assumed I would be since about 8th grade. Which makes me happy because I am doing this all on my own because I do not have a support system next to me like others do. I am inspired by very few to keep going and always love what you do, otherwise it is a job. 
        I hope you all liked this post. I will be sure to post the essay I have written for class. Possibly, by Wednesday (10/21/15) of next week. I encourage you all to keep a smile on your face andjust be yourself regardless of what anybody says. Have A Goodnight!!!

-the writer

Your Words Cut Deeper Than a Knife

                      The previous post about falling in love tears me apart. I learned to not be friends with benefits with someone that you have only known for 2 months. It was stupid, but I liked him. I am not in love, nor was I ever with this guy. I was so wrapped up in feeling so happy finally after I moved on. I did not really understand what love really was until my first boyfriend. We did everything together for the first time and I felt like on top of the world. Yet, with this guy who turned out to date me for 4 days, made me feel like I was Ten Feet Tall. 

                    Sometimes it all gets a little too much. 

                        I wish I listened to my friends. They told me he was bad news to begin with and I kept saying that he is more than a hook up or a kiss and move on. He was more than that and I could feel it in my bones. Yet, I could not understand that he made it out to be something completely different because he wanted nothing more than friends with benefits. I missed my ex and I took a lot of things from guys, in the sense of: happiness. I did not realize how much that could hurt me and hurt the friendships I had with them. It definitely did hurt them and myself. I am still friends with 2 of the 3 guys. Yes. 3 guys that were my friends, I decided would be the best thing to do and hook up with them because I felt so horrible about myself because I lost someone I loved so much and I did not think for a second what could possibly happen in the future with my friendships if this stuff does not work. One of the guys ended up being closer than I expected. I wanted a relationship and he did not. 

                       Back on topic, I messed up. I did not listen to my homie and my best friend. They were everything to me and their opinions still mean the world to me because they help me make decisions that I can not make by myself this very day. The guy I had gotten with and dated for 4 days ended up going back to his friends and talking shit about me behind my back. I found out and wanted his shit out of my room and I am not that mean to throw or burn someone else's things. I gave it back and they got mad. Do not ask how, but they did because I gave it back by laying their jacket on the front door step. It was a ridiculous excuse to get mad, but in that situation, the text read, "Are you stupid?!?! Why the fuck would you leave it by the front door [...]". I was done at that point because if you are friends with benefits with someone, you do not talk shit about them and then keep fooling around with them. Especially because I still liked that guy and he just played with my heart. 

                      This guy and I were not right for each other, yet he called me princess and treated me like a princess. He knew how to treat a girl besides the whole talking shit on them. But he never did anything wrong and he actually wanted to introduce me to his parents and grandparents. I felt honored to have met them and I wished he would have just stayed the same guy he was when we first met: sweet, generous, cute, and whole-hearted. But instead, he was a complete asshole and treated me like a princess while treating me like shit at the same time. 

                    To my friends: I am sorry for not listening to you at the time. I learned my lesson. 

-the writer

     

VMA's in a Positive, Yet Opinionated Way

Now, Let me get out my notes...

             Well to start, the Video Vanguard award was presented by Taylor Swift and given to Kanye West (aka: Yeezus). In the actual video that the Video Music Awards showed at the beginning was about Kanye West and some of his life goals and aspirations as he grew in the entertainment industry. One of the first things the video had just briefly covered was that he "aimed for perfection" and that "everyday was spent pursuing the images that haunt his dreams". In my mind, I had envisioned that they were talking about the social shaming that comes along with being famous and being a public figure because that is what a majority of public figures deal with in the entertainment industry and any industry including they YouTube industry especially. Secondly, the video went on to say, "It;s important to stay idealistic, to be vulnerable, to see the world through the eyes of a child--free, open, full of wonder and imagination". A lot of the industry is revolved around your work, image, and your social status (in other words, how society sees you). Kanye West is one of the most well-known artists in the industry and a lot of other artists' managers and producers do not want them to associate themselves with Kanye because if could put their image on the line or they will lose views and ratings. When I look at the entertainment industry all I see is: ratings, ratings, ratings, and more ratings. What the industry and the shows and everything looks for and looks at are ratings and reviews because that is what shapes their image. Well-known artists like Big Sean and Paul McCartney and other artists you have heard today. Yet, many artists are either scared to lose their image or scared of what will happen if they thank Kanye West for discovering them,yet at the VMA's we all heard Big Sean proudly thank Kanye for finding him and saying he would not be where he is today if it were not for Kanye, while himself, Kanye and John Legend accept an award.  
            Moving on, another point I wanted to cover was that when Taylor Swift presented his award to him, she had said that Kanye has had one of the greatest careers of all time. Fast forward a little to Kanye's speech, he was given a 2 minute window to speak and he used that 2 minutes for an applause from the audience, which he is baffled by. He made his first sentence start with "Listen to the kids"! Then goes on to explain that if he has a simple conversation with someone in a store, the person will go on to say that he "isn't so bad after all", yet while he says that he gets a laugh from the crowd as though it was supposed to be funny. The social media presents him as this horrible person and his label does and a lot to contribute to that is his music. Yet, we look at his music and see it as good beats and the "shit". He uses his music to be inspiring and spread a message. Then, he talks about the contradiction of fighting for other artists and how he can never find the right thing or the perfect thing to say and it ends up being disrespectful to other artists. He does not understand award shows. The taking of celebrities that work their whole life to be successful with their work and put them on a carpet/ chopping block with judges all around them and have the opportunity to be called a "loser". 
              Lastly, Kanye West gets defensive on stage as he says, "I will die for the art and what I believe in and the art won't always be polite". He goes on to say that this is a new mentality and that we won't control our kids with brands and won't teach our kids low self-esteem and hate to our kids. We will teach our kids that they can be something that they can stand up for themselves and believe in themselves". He gives this amazing speech and again says to listen to the kids. Us kids and teens have an imagination of our own. There are so many artists of different kinds all over the world being discovered for our many talents. We try so hard to succeed but so many industries turn us down because of what we have or where we come from and they don't give us the opportunity we ask for to actually see potential in us. I work my ass off to be someone that I have always wanted to be and frankly, no one has given me the time of day to listen to what I have to say about the entertainment industry. So, to have so many people see my blog and see my opinions on this subject is a dream. To actually be able to sit down and write about my feelings, my life, and my journey is amazing compared to the amount of rejection I get from anyone on a daily basis because they get to voice their opinion and get the attention they want, to the point of them not needing another opinion or perspective of another. So, thank you for sitting here and reading my rant and my message which was: Listen to Kanye West... listen to the kids because we are changing the world little by little and whether you like it or not, we are changing it right now because of the opportunities that we are given in today's atmosphere. Also, if Kanye wants to go through with going for president in 2020, then so be it. He is living his dream so that he can be who he wants to be and live his life without a label on his back and he is spending his time wisely because you never know when life is going to end because of some random occurrence.

                Go for your dreams, don't hold back, and be who you want to be and don't give a fuck about what other people think because when Kanye West gave that speech, he was basically giving a big "Fuck You" to all the artists out there who are too scared to say any of those words on T.V. or in our society today. I applaud Kanye for being that one person who has stood up for all the artists who are too worried about their careers and labels to say anything and too worried about their image in this society because they don't want to be labeled anything or be taken for granted for what they say. Just like Kanye might be taken for granted and not be taken seriously since he said he was going to run for president in 2020.  

Expect the Unexpected. 

-the writer

I Think I'm Falling In Love...

               Have you ever stepped back and thought about life and the person you are with and imagined that you would want to give anything and everything for someone to be happy? I have done so many things that I would have never done for someone. I can't believe my eyes. Some good and some bad, but all can be fixed.
               Last night was an eye-opener. At about 2:30 a.m., I snuck out to see a guy that I have liked a lot for over a month now. It was the first time I ever snuck out of my house and can I just say how nervous I was at getting caught.. shaking and me constantly looking around to make sure no one sees or comes outside. As nerve racking as that is, the second we kissed, I felt wanted, loved, and appreciated. Like he said on the 4th of July, "We have our own fireworks right here". We hugged for a little bit and that's when it hit me, "I think I'm falling in love". It's not that he isn't the right guy, he is beyond amazing and perfect and just all around my hero, but we aren't together.. which is a bit of a problem with me falling only for the reason that I want to be with him, I want to explore the world with him and go on little adventures. As long as it is with him, I will be happy or, as long as I still have him present I will be happy. But, that doesn't mean present in the sense of right by my side because we both have lives that we need to live so a hug and a kiss here and there will suffice. But frankly, being friends with benefits kills me sometimes... most of the time... okay, fine -all the time. 
                 We dated for a good 4 days and broke up because certain things in his life took over. We talked about after it being all over, that we could see where things go if we are together and it isn't working in my favor. I feel like I'm being used for sexual favors, but I know him enough to know he isn't doing that. This past week, we didn't see each other a single day, but we talked here and there and what shocked me was that he was dying to see me and kiss me.. but I couldn't tell if that was him being in a state of sexual attraction talking or actually him wanting to see me. He drives me crazy in the sense of me needing to see him at least 1 time a week. Like, that is pretty fucking good for someone who used to see him everyday for 2 weeks straight when we first met. That is all we did for 2 weeks after the 3rd.... we hung out from noon till whenever. Don't get me wrong, I adore him to the absolute fullest, but when you see him everyday for that long, you want to be with him for a long time. 
                    The second I knew I was falling in love with my handsome knight in shining armor, I knew something was gonna go wrong. I write almost every month whether it be in my journal or on here. Yet, every time I write about a guy I like, something goes wrong. Although him and I have gotten super close, sexually and personally; adventure is always in the air. We definitely had the best adventure on the 25th of July in a van... hahaha! That's all I'm gonna say because I think you get the idea of what 2 people who are very attracted to each other can do in the back of a van with every aching bone in their body to not do something too fast... although, it was fast if you look at it from the time we met to then, but I felt like whenever you are ready to do more than just hook up, go for it... but only when you are ready. Words of Advice: Don't let someone pressure you into sex. It isn't something anyone should force on their partner. Please, don't force anyone to do anything that they don't want to. 

-the writer

Remembering the Moments We Had

I have recently been talking to my ex and I can't stop thinking about all the amazing times we had, but also all the bad times we had. It makes me miss everything and it gets sad, it really does. I miss it all. Whether or not it is the sex I miss, the fun times, or the endless texts of him sending me lyrics. I miss it all. Everything about it. It has been about 10 months now since we broke up and it is good to take to him, but he is getting jealous because I found a guy and I really like him, but I posted pictures and everything with him.. so my ex got jealous and got mad so he blocked me on everything. It is sad because I wanted to shove it in his face at first that I found somebody, but I knew that wasn't the kind of person I am, so I stopped doing it on purpose. I miss talking to him and hanging out with him. I only want us to be okay again. That's all I want for our friendship. He said he is still looking over me with the things I do but I don't know why he keeps doing it and he also says that he feels responsible for my actions. I don't understand but it's a "him thing". He says I wouldn't understand, but I'm trying to with every bone in my body. He taught me everything about my sexual ways and he also taught me how to actually be happy. He showed me that I changed and needed to change back to myself because I slipped away. 
I have him to thank for teaching me logic and reason and using that in my everyday life. I can't thank him enough and he doesn't realize how much he is and has been appreciated by me. He was my first love. I loved him and he will always have a special place in my heart. So, thank you if you are reading this (probably not).

-the writer

The Audition That Determines It All

On 8/8/15 I had gotten up at about 6 am to drive to LA for an Open House at a performing arts school. It was such a great college (AMDA-The College and Conservatory of the Performing Arts)! I had such  great time meeting actual Actors, Directors, Choreographers, and many others!! I unfortunately did not get pictures with the 2 I had actually seen before. It made me a little upset, but I put that aside because it felt like such an honor to be sitting in front of them.
Then, on 8/9/15, I had gotten up again at 6 am to drive back to AMDA for my audition. At AMDA, you have to audition to be accepted into the school. I am auditioning for the Acting program to get my BFA in Acting (Bachelor's in Fine Arts). So, for that audition, I had to memorize 2 monologues and write 3 essays. It was worth it, but I didn't really memorize my monologues. So, I improved my dramatic monologue, but my comedic I did good on. There were a lot of things that happened in the months of me wanting to audition... In meaning, I reconsidered auditioning. But I'm happy I did it in the end. But, now I have to wait for a response which should be in about 3-4 weeks. I just need to turn in my letters of recommendation!!! 
Wish me luck/ Break a leg!

-the writer

Talking to the Ex..

It's never a great idea to talk to your ex. Feelings, emotions, passions, etc. they all come back to haunt you.. at least that was my personal experience with that the first time I talked to my ex. No, my current crush does not know I am still in contact with him and frankly, it's not the best idea for him to know right now. Yes, honesty is the best policy and being truthful is the best thing as well, but right now, times are hard and that's the last thing he needs to worry about. Being just friends with an ex is okay, but only if you don't develop any feelings for him. Fortunately, I haven't nor will I in the future. Some things have triggered the water works (tears) because of the past and just thinking about the past makes things 110% worse. I'll admit he can be an asshole at times, but I'm willing to tolerate it. The fighting wasn't good when we were together and frankly, it isn't fun now. Of course I miss what we had, but moving on and finding the guy I'm with now was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It took me a good 6 months to move on after we broke up. Although we were friends with benefits for 4 months, I don't care because it was the best experience I had gotten. I'm happy to say I wasn't cheated on or taken advantage of, and hopefully in the future I'm not going to be taken advantage of. God has my life in His hands and He has a path for me and I trust Him to make good things and some bad things come my way. God only puts the things in your life that He knows you can handle.  Yet, it is only up to you to choose whether you want to move on from that thing or let it take your life piece by piece.  I can only thank God so much for putting the guy I'm with, in my life. I get the feeling we will go far and I think that is a sign or a signal from God saying to go all the way and don't let anything stop you from being with him. 
Thank you God and thank you to my readers. I wouldn't be here still if it wasn't for you.

I love you all. 

-the writer

Real Friends

The only thing anybody needs are Real Friends. True friends that will help you when things are bad and when things don't go the way you want them to. 

Friends can be deceitful or can be truthful and loving. No one likes the deceitful ones. True friends are there at your lowest point and can bring you back up to your highest. They will listen to you whenever you need to rant or something.

Friends stay with you to the end. And if they don't, they didn't deserve you and you deserve better. Pick your friends wisely people.. You never know what kind of assholes there are out there. 

I know that my best friend is a true friend. The things she has done for me are just some of the things a true friend does. 

Pick your friends wisely. 

-The writer 

The Change

Don't we all change for that special person? Even when we aren't trying, we magically change our actions, our words, and our appearance just for them. I've noticed I have been doing this and I have started to try and change back to my old self. I liked my old self. I wasn't clingy like I am now, I was more loving than passive aggressive. I used to listen to my friends about everything but ever since I met someone new, I have closed out their opinions. I have a tendency to do so and I don't like when I do it. 

The thing about me changing is: I don't notice I do it until I get time to step back and look at life. I don't get a lot of time to myself and it sucks. It really does, but I try my hardest to go running so I can clear my mind and go back to my old ways. 

The guy I'm seeing is amazing. He's so fun and I love being with him.. Now what I mean by "seeing" this guy, is that we broke up because we both weren't ready for relationships and so we broke up and we are calling ourselves " a thing... But with feelings". I honestly couldn't be happier where I am. He means the world to me and being the hopeless romantic I am, we strive for the cute things in life and he made one happen the other day. 

It was a beautiful day and we had been wanting to hang out after everything went down hill. We took his mom's car because his was out of gas, but that was okay because I loved how he set everything up. We got a few pillows that you would put on a futon, and a blanket and a movie and went to a high place here in California. We opened up the back of the van and laid down and just cuddled because we first went to a national park in the area so it was just secluded and it was so beautiful. I just adored the scenery. 

After we were told by the ranger that the park was closing, we went to a neighborhood after trying to find a high place around here with a view, so we just found a dead end in a street and parked. We left the trunk closed and put the pillows up against the back so we could watch the movie in the van (it had a did player in it). I can't remember the name of the movie for the life of me. And I can't say how much I am falling for him. He just makes me see the world from a new perspective and I can't thank him enough for everything he has ever done for me. 

I do, honestly, think it's crazy that I'm falling for him after meeting him on July 3rd. Although, July 4th was one of the best days of my life. 

To him: Thank you so much for this opportunity and thank you for being there for me no matter what. Even when times are hard. You're the best and I hope we can go places someday as a couple. 

-the writer 

Tell Me A Story - For You

I want to know you. 

Tell me about you. 

Let me know your weaknesses

Let me know your strengths

Your pet peeves 

and habits

Tell me a story

Tell me YOUR story

           I want to get to know you. It has been about five days and we aren't as close as I wanted us to be. You don't know much about me either. I want to tell you and I want to be able to show you, but I'm just so scared. I want to show you my life and I want to tell you all about it. I just can't always be so open with everybody and you are the first person that I don't want their opinion to change about me once you hear it all in one go. This is me showing you what I am about. Below, you can read about my struggles and the things I have been through from relationships to my home life and to my thoughts and my almost's. I can't show you what I am about.. you have to read for yourself. Yes, it is a lot. Yes, it does get detailed, personal, and depressing, but.. that's me. I can't help it if you don't like it. But whatever you do, don't play me. Don't act like I'm a normal person and don't treat me like one either. After you read them... tell me about you. Your struggles, your past, your home and your thoughts. You know me now, I can't get more open than a Blog that literally the whole world can see. I love my readers and when it comes to YouTube, I love my viewers. I wouldn't be where I am without them. So, thank you. But, I would like you to be a part of that life that gets to live with me and not just someone who gets to read it all on a computer screen. So, tell me about YOU. And join me in this journey. 

For you. 

You know who you are. 

-The writer

My World is Spinning With You

7/7/15

            Something about you, not everything, but one thing about you caught my eye the day we met. We were just at our friend's house and I sat right next to you on the couch. You asked me my name after you introduced yourself, followed by a handshake. We both drank that night (7/3/15). When I was about to leave, you asked me for my number after trying to flirt with me for a little. I left and we talked all night long until about 2 am when I fell asleep. You are the first guy to ask me for my number to my face. The next day was the 4th of July and we were both invited to our friend's house again. You didn't drink because you were gonna drive home (Smart Choice!), but man.. did I drink! Wine, beer and a shot of Vodka that was mixed into a beer when I was playing BP (beer pong). After telling you what a hopeless romantic I am, I had said what a perfect first kiss together would be: watching the fireworks and sitting at the park and kiss while the fireworks went off. You made that happen and it was a firework of our own. Literally the best 4th of July I could ever have and I will never forget that. Our first real date was 7/6/15. We went to my house after I got out of summer school and we played Xbox and then had a little fun in my room ;)... Then! We went to the Lake and swam in the lake and laid out for a little. After the lake, we stopped at my house so I could change and after went to Taco Bell for dinner. After a delicious dinner, you and I left to your house so that you could change, too. That's where I met your Dad and sister. Your dad was very nice and so was your sister, but your sister was so beautiful! Ha ha! 
           After you got changed, we went to go see Spy. We knew the previews were about 20 minutes long, so we sat in your car until about 6:50 pm, talking, bonding, etc. We got to the movies and we sat at the top, left corner (if you are facing the screen, it's the top left corner). I had the best day ever, but at the movie we just held hands, kissed a little, and you complimented me so much. I apparently looked like Rapunzel that night.. I just took it as a compliment cause I knew he liked it. Ha ha ha! When the movie got out, it was only 9 pm. I had put your jacket on because I was freezing and I loved wearing it (I still do). I didn't want to go home, so we went on a canyon drive then to taco bell to just hang out there. Yet, we left shortly after because your friends that you didn't want to talk to were there. So, we left to my house and sat on my street until 9:40 pm-ish, talking an listening to music. You walked me up to my gate and we kissed and said thank you for such a good night. I went to take off your jacket and you said to keep wearing it. I kept it on and you left. I still have your jacket and I can't wait for more dates you talked about taking me out again and again. I can't wait!

                                               P.S. I haven't told him about my blog and the past.. :/ I'm a bit scared. 

                             

   -The writer

Don't Know Where I'm Going, But I'll Get There

                    Yes, it's crazy to think that you know where you are going one moment, then you begin to lose you train of thought because you hit a bump in the road. I have hit that bump in the road this month, especially with my ex. We have reconnected and I can't be happier. I know, it's crazy because I had so much hate, but I believe that there is only hate where there is love and frankly, I don't have any reason to hate him. He means so much to me and our memories were the best. I need time to move on and I have. There will always be a place in my heart for him and I won't give that part to anyone else, it's the memory place.
                    Yes, I'm lost. I'm lost in the sense of I don't know where I want to go in life. I'm lost now and I can't find my path again. I want to be an actress, but the closer I get to the opportunity, I see it fade in my head and I can't possibly explain why. 
                    No, I don't like anyone, nor do I love any young fellow. I want a guy to look at me like I'm something he has never come across. Of course my country side wants a cowboy who can teach me how to ride horseback again, and to teach me my southern ways again. I miss it all so much, but I don't want my life to be a movie. I just want my love story to be a movie, without all of the fighting of course. 
                   No, I don't want to be here. In California, I don't belong here. I want to be in Georgia. It's where I belong, it's where I fit in. Where I can be myself and not have to lie to feel accepted.I love my friends and all the people here in California, but that doesn't mean I have to stay here. I may know a lot of people, but frankly, I just want to feel welcome. I just want to experience the life I have always wanted to live. I want to go to my home! My home is where I feel safe, where I know I'm safe. Far away, or closer than you think. If I'm safe, I'm peachy. 

i just want to go home. 

-the writer 

Our Story

This is from the beginning. From the heart. 

           I can't help but remember every little thing you have ever said, done, or the places we have gone. I can't help but remember your voice and as I do, it plays through my head like a song stuck on replay. When you touched me, it felt like the whole world stopped and it felt like the touch of an angel, but later turned into the devil. I couldn't help but force myself come to the sense of closure. The lake. Your house. The park. The football game. Every little detail. Crushing me like an ant. Unseen, unheard, impossible to imagine. My heart trembles at the thought of our story. Our past. What was once, Us. 
           Think back. Think back to the first day we met. The second you laid your big brown eyes on me. What was it like to look at me? What was it like to hear my voice. The result of my stuttering voice because I met you. A gentlemen, turned into the worst thing I would ever imagine. What about later that night? When we actually started talking. I made the first move. But you made the first 3 words appear on that screen the next day. We never became friends. Just acquaintances to relationship. I should have known the second you said those three words that it wasn't true. But me being so vulnerable and innocent, I didn't think. I didn't think at all when it came to you. I told you everything. Everything about me and you took advantage of it. It was too soon. Too real, so soon.
            I was happy. I found someone I thought liked me as much as I liked you. You were my everything. I hate reliving it. Our story is the last thing I want to remember. I regret it. Think back to our first kiss together. It was my first ever kiss and we were playing soccer. You tried to get the ball from me, but I ran into you on accident and you grabbed me by the hips and i put my arms around your neck and we made eye contact and you looked at my lips and I looked at yours. You leaned in and I didn't know what to do, so I let it happen. I thought it was all right. That the moment was good. The happiness inside came to an excitement when we kissed. I couldn't stop blushing and smiling and I couldn't stop acting like it was "just a kiss". It was everything I had every imagined a first kiss would be. You turned me. You made me think I was the best thing that ever happened to you through out those two months. Playing me just for the the few days before our two month. 
          I trusted you. With everything. I was so comfortable around you and you played me like I was some kind of game. Once you start, you have to finish the game. Isn't that right? Yes, I dwell on the past because you were my past and every day you see me and I see you, you make me remember. You make me think that everything was the best time of my life. I gave you everything and you treated me so cold. I was freezing and you thought everything was back to normal. I still can't believe I fell for everything that had to do with you. You're so arrogant and I hate everything our relationship stood for. 
            I wanted to be happy. You acted happy and you treated me like a I was the criminal and you were the victim. That was the worst thing you could ever do to me. Make me feel like the bad guy. You used me for sex. So that you could act like you were everything that girls look for. Someone who was not a virgin and someone who was this cool guy and some guy that everything that people thought was the best thing in the whole world. Well, news flash, you aren't. You never will be. You brag about how much you are "free" and it kills me. You aren't realizing how much you took from me and you play it off like getting in my pants was the best thing ever. The experience was good, but the other person was horrible, personality wise. What goes through your head when you see me? Do you regret saying the things you did. Saying that "You ruined my life" to me? I never ruined your life. I didn't even come close to it. You said that just to end our friendship. Well, what was left of it after you fucked me over, literally, for 4 months after we broke up. I don't like to remind people why we broke up. And frankly, I constantly have to do that. I remind myself how much of an ass you were to me. And everyone around you. You became the worst person in the world. Not just to me, but your friends as well. 
         When I told you I loved you, I was serious. And guess what you said after. Just take a wild guess. "I love you too." But you didn't, you don't and you never did. You never feel like it either. You played games on your computer when I was over. I would sit there and watch you do it. I would sit there and watch you be on the phone with your friends while I sit there and you make plans with them too.  And not plans for hours later, I mean like plans in the next half hour. And in those free minutes you had, you wanted to either have sex or hook up. And, you would look at me and say "what?". I just sat there and said "nothing.". I didn't say anything because it is rude to be arrogant or rude in someone else's house. 
        You lied to me. The first time we hung out and I met your parents, you lied to me. You told me you had never let any girl come over and meet your parents. I got confirmation from you ex girlfriend saying that she met your parents and was over there all the time. To lie to me about being the first girl to ever come over and meet your parents is a huge deal. It is something some girls even want to happen. To be the only girl you brought home, is something little girls dream of. You took it for granted. You told your parents we were gonna get intimate before we ever even talked about it and even before our 1st month. Your mom suggested I be on the pill and that she could take me to get it done. You know how embarrassing that is? It is very embarrassing.
        Love is a ghost. And it was to you. I'm sorry I ever felt like I truly loved you, while you fooled around with those words. I told you how I felt about those words. Why I would only use them when I meant it. Why I only told you and my best friends that I loved them. I only told you and my friends because growing up, I never felt loved. I was never shown love. I was shown violence and pain and fear. Never anything else. You knew what happens at my house. You knew it was happening still and you told me to forget about my past and let it go. You never realized how much I would tell you not to touch me in a certain area because of what would happen. You never knew how much I told you that it hurt. You acted like me cutting myself was for attention. I never even told you that I did it until you asked why it was there. So, I'm obviously not doing it for attention. You told me that me being suicidal was annoying and irritating. You told me I was over reacting about what you said. I don't over react when you tell me that was helps me stay alive, is irritating or annoying. 
               You want to know what is irritating and annoying? You and the love you gave me. It was pathetic. You are just pathetic all around. I don't regret anything. I said I did, but I don't. I'm glad I got to be with you because now I can warn the girls you try to get with about how much of an ass hole you really are. Have a nice life, jerk.  

To the reader(s):
         I'm sorry for the rant, but I have had this in my drafts for so long and it was so blank, I needed to fill the page and let everything go. I feel so relieved that I said all this. I actually have a smile on my face right now because I finally let everything go. I take so many deep breathes and it all just bites me in the ass 24/7. It is a relief to know that I can let it all go and not feel this side of sadness on my shoulders and not have this huge weight on my shoulders either. 
You're all human, you all make mistakes. You are the only one. Whether you are having a bad day, a good day, or anything else, just always always always, just be happy. 
Take it from an amazing singer, "I'm only human." -Christina Perri

Love always,
                       The writer.  
 

Results of The Series of Unfortunate Events

             Today, I stand before you with scars on my wrists, legs and other parts of my body; a coat of armor easily broken; a mask someone can easily see past; dried tears of misery and mourning; a shield placed oh so elegantly upon my shoulders; and a bandage placed forcefully on a bruised and beaten heart.
  
If you are depressed, tell someone or call the Suicide Hotline and they can help you. 
Know what your worth before you take our life away. People will miss you, I will miss you, and you family will, too. Don't give up, and get help. <3 You are loved. 

Sincerely, 
    The Author

A New Kind of Family

 March 29, 2015
  
          As I watch the stories of Paul Walker and the cast of Fast & Furious (1-7), I see a bond. A bond that is never going to broken up, no matter what happens. I have always wanted a family of my own. To have a new start and forget about the past. As soon as I begin acting, I and going to try and get into movies, a lot of them, if I can that is. I wish to have a family like these people that Paul had. He could go to them for whatever it was and they all became best friends and they were all there for each other. They do what they love together. 
          Their friendship is their bond and their bond is their love for each other. Tyrese Gibson, who is also part of the cast, if you follow him on his Facebook or any other social media websites, you will know that he is a great and wise man, but all he does is care. Care for God, his family, his friends, and his fans especially. Yet all you hear him talk about is the fact that certain things in life are either bound to happen, meant to happen, or God made it that way. Life is short and no one realizes it and takes it all for granted. Despite everything that people say and do, including "YOLO", which means "you only live once", people take everything for granted. 
          You'd be surprised at how much everyone does take it for granted. Even you, the reader, does. Although people may see the celebrities with their professional lifestyle and the wealthy people with their luxury, etc. they don't just step back and notice how good their life is because of the opportunities they have and the people that are in their lives.
        A message from me, the author, to you, the reader:
      Know that whether you believe in God or not, he will always put you through the toughest things that he knows you can handle. Also, don't take life for granted and enjoy every moment that you have. You will never get another day like it. Yeah, you can say it's just lie yesterday because of what you  did, but it will never be the same because something will always be different. The Earth will always be moving and the sun may not always be shining and the sky as blue as the next, but just learn to smile and take life by the hands. 

               -The Writer