This is from the beginning. From the heart.
I can't help but remember every little thing you have ever said, done, or the places we have gone. I can't help but remember your voice and as I do, it plays through my head like a song stuck on replay. When you touched me, it felt like the whole world stopped and it felt like the touch of an angel, but later turned into the devil. I couldn't help but force myself come to the sense of closure. The lake. Your house. The park. The football game. Every little detail. Crushing me like an ant. Unseen, unheard, impossible to imagine. My heart trembles at the thought of our story. Our past. What was once, Us.
Think back. Think back to the first day we met. The second you laid your big brown eyes on me. What was it like to look at me? What was it like to hear my voice. The result of my stuttering voice because I met you. A gentlemen, turned into the worst thing I would ever imagine. What about later that night? When we actually started talking. I made the first move. But you made the first 3 words appear on that screen the next day. We never became friends. Just acquaintances to relationship. I should have known the second you said those three words that it wasn't true. But me being so vulnerable and innocent, I didn't think. I didn't think at all when it came to you. I told you everything. Everything about me and you took advantage of it. It was too soon. Too real, so soon.
I was happy. I found someone I thought liked me as much as I liked you. You were my everything. I hate reliving it. Our story is the last thing I want to remember. I regret it. Think back to our first kiss together. It was my first ever kiss and we were playing soccer. You tried to get the ball from me, but I ran into you on accident and you grabbed me by the hips and i put my arms around your neck and we made eye contact and you looked at my lips and I looked at yours. You leaned in and I didn't know what to do, so I let it happen. I thought it was all right. That the moment was good. The happiness inside came to an excitement when we kissed. I couldn't stop blushing and smiling and I couldn't stop acting like it was "just a kiss". It was everything I had every imagined a first kiss would be. You turned me. You made me think I was the best thing that ever happened to you through out those two months. Playing me just for the the few days before our two month.
I trusted you. With everything. I was so comfortable around you and you played me like I was some kind of game. Once you start, you have to finish the game. Isn't that right? Yes, I dwell on the past because you were my past and every day you see me and I see you, you make me remember. You make me think that everything was the best time of my life. I gave you everything and you treated me so cold. I was freezing and you thought everything was back to normal. I still can't believe I fell for everything that had to do with you. You're so arrogant and I hate everything our relationship stood for.
I wanted to be happy. You acted happy and you treated me like a I was the criminal and you were the victim. That was the worst thing you could ever do to me. Make me feel like the bad guy. You used me for sex. So that you could act like you were everything that girls look for. Someone who was not a virgin and someone who was this cool guy and some guy that everything that people thought was the best thing in the whole world. Well, news flash, you aren't. You never will be. You brag about how much you are "free" and it kills me. You aren't realizing how much you took from me and you play it off like getting in my pants was the best thing ever. The experience was good, but the other person was horrible, personality wise. What goes through your head when you see me? Do you regret saying the things you did. Saying that "You ruined my life" to me? I never ruined your life. I didn't even come close to it. You said that just to end our friendship. Well, what was left of it after you fucked me over, literally, for 4 months after we broke up. I don't like to remind people why we broke up. And frankly, I constantly have to do that. I remind myself how much of an ass you were to me. And everyone around you. You became the worst person in the world. Not just to me, but your friends as well.
When I told you I loved you, I was serious. And guess what you said after. Just take a wild guess. "I love you too." But you didn't, you don't and you never did. You never feel like it either. You played games on your computer when I was over. I would sit there and watch you do it. I would sit there and watch you be on the phone with your friends while I sit there and you make plans with them too. And not plans for hours later, I mean like plans in the next half hour. And in those free minutes you had, you wanted to either have sex or hook up. And, you would look at me and say "what?". I just sat there and said "nothing.". I didn't say anything because it is rude to be arrogant or rude in someone else's house.
You lied to me. The first time we hung out and I met your parents, you lied to me. You told me you had never let any girl come over and meet your parents. I got confirmation from you ex girlfriend saying that she met your parents and was over there all the time. To lie to me about being the first girl to ever come over and meet your parents is a huge deal. It is something some girls even want to happen. To be the only girl you brought home, is something little girls dream of. You took it for granted. You told your parents we were gonna get intimate before we ever even talked about it and even before our 1st month. Your mom suggested I be on the pill and that she could take me to get it done. You know how embarrassing that is? It is very embarrassing.
Love is a ghost. And it was to you. I'm sorry I ever felt like I truly loved you, while you fooled around with those words. I told you how I felt about those words. Why I would only use them when I meant it. Why I only told you and my best friends that I loved them. I only told you and my friends because growing up, I never felt loved. I was never shown love. I was shown violence and pain and fear. Never anything else. You knew what happens at my house. You knew it was happening still and you told me to forget about my past and let it go. You never realized how much I would tell you not to touch me in a certain area because of what would happen. You never knew how much I told you that it hurt. You acted like me cutting myself was for attention. I never even told you that I did it until you asked why it was there. So, I'm obviously not doing it for attention. You told me that me being suicidal was annoying and irritating. You told me I was over reacting about what you said. I don't over react when you tell me that was helps me stay alive, is irritating or annoying.
You want to know what is irritating and annoying? You and the love you gave me. It was pathetic. You are just pathetic all around. I don't regret anything. I said I did, but I don't. I'm glad I got to be with you because now I can warn the girls you try to get with about how much of an ass hole you really are. Have a nice life, jerk.
To the reader(s):
I'm sorry for the rant, but I have had this in my drafts for so long and it was so blank, I needed to fill the page and let everything go. I feel so relieved that I said all this. I actually have a smile on my face right now because I finally let everything go. I take so many deep breathes and it all just bites me in the ass 24/7. It is a relief to know that I can let it all go and not feel this side of sadness on my shoulders and not have this huge weight on my shoulders either.
You're all human, you all make mistakes. You are the only one. Whether you are having a bad day, a good day, or anything else, just always always always, just be happy.
Take it from an amazing singer, "I'm only human." -Christina Perri
Love always,
The writer.
